User:Djdorama/HowTo:Eat a Durian

Congratulations! If you are reading this article, you are one of the few who will learn how to actually eat a durian! Durians have been an elusive figure in the world of fruit for too long (hell, it's not even recognized as a word in the Uncyclopedia Editor), but not to worry: you'll be eating durians with your friends and/or family in no time!

Step One: Purchase Your Durian

An example of durians on sale. However, in this case, you would stay the fuck away from those durians. 49 cents? Who am I, Bill Gates?

There are many places to purchase durians in New York, Chicago, and many other major cities! But not San Francisco. Don't ask. Just don't. To find any shops or stands that sell durians near you, you can look up "Durians" (under "D") in your local phonebook. Once you have found a shop, take your local transportation to get there.

Testing Your Durian

Before purchasing any durians, you must test if they are good for purchasing, or if they're just some sloppy durian-job some kid in Thailand made. There are many ways to test a durian for wellness. Remember, this is probably the first and last time you will ever eat a durian. Not many people get to do this.

1. Smell Your Durian

Hold the durian close to your nose and take a long, nice whiff. What does it smell like? Does it smell delicious? Disgusting? If any of those, it may be a defective durian. A durian shouldn't smell like anything. It has a shell, you dummy. Take a look at your durian. Maybe that will explain the smell. Is it open? What the hell? You opened it? Oh god, you idiot. Alright, slowly shuffle back to the produce aisle where you found the durian, and slowly...put...it...back...

2. Feel Your Durian

Give your durian a nice squeeze. Is it squishy? If so, it's rotten. Put it back. Pick another one. Squeeze it. Feel the pain? Those are the spikes. Durians have those. You'll have to bear with me here. Just keep squeezing. It'll stop hurting. You're bleeding? Man up, dude. A durian is more important than your pain. Alright, you can stop now. Feel the burn? Yeah, that's it. That's what we call the "Durian Burn". Actually, maybe it's just me who calls it that. Whatever.

3. Listen to Your Durian

Hold your ear up to the shell of your durian. What do you hear? A heartbeat? What the hell. That is no durian. Put the goddamn baby back. Now, pick up the durian and try again. Do you hear that? It's the sound of...durian. You don't hear it? Well, it takes some training. You'll hear it eventually.

4. Get to Know Your Durian

Talk to it. Get to know it. But don't be too aggressive. Durians don't dig that. Just hit it up with some conversation. But not something geeky, like Star Trek. Just be smooth, alright? Don't fuck this one up like you do with real girls. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up there. "Howdy"? "Howdy"? Did you just seriously start a conversation with "Howdy"? Dude, have you ever talked to a girl? Like, seriously? God, you're embarrassing.

Actually Purchasing Your Durian

After you have completed these steps and made sure that you have a good durian and not just some shitty one, hoist it under your arm, for protection against anyone who may want to harm your durian (they're out there, trust me) and walk slowly and carefully to the checkout center. Try engaging the clerk in an intelligent conversation. About durians. Try to test their knowledge in durians. Do they seem well-informed? If not, you might want to just walk away from this one, and try a different clerk. Just pretend you're going to the bathroom or something; I don't know. However, if they are well-informed, happily but carefully hand your durian to them for purchase. Alright, this is going well. Wait, what?! It costs that much?! Jesus, did you even bring that much? No? Alright, do a 180 turn to the clerk, give them a nice smile...and...run! Jesus Christ, did you fail gym or something? Alright, I think we lost them. Let's go home.

Step Two: Spend Some Quality Time With Your Durian

Alright, you're home with your durian. Now it's time to get freaky. I was just kidding. Wipe that damn smirk off your face. You freak. Okay, set it on the table, and try to get to know it again. Only don't so something stupid like you did last time. Here, let me help you: "Hi, my name is <insert name here>! How are you doing? You're looking quite tasty today. Do you come here often?" Okay, so maybe that wasn't perfect, but it was better than your pathetic attempt. Then, before it can answer, cut it open. Hahahahaha. You jerk.

Step Three: Cut Open Your Durian

This step may seem a little awkward after you just got to know it, but trust me, it'll work out in the end.