User:DestructiveCriticism/HowTo:Learn Japanese

Learning Japanese can be a really frustrating experience as it is one of the hardest languages in the world. Out of all the learners, 80% of people given up learning the language and another 5% died learning the language and another 5% ended up learning Chinese instead. People have compared the difficulty of learning the language to fighting Godzilla. But fear not. Our team at Uncyclopedia has found a way to learn the language painlessly. If you ever wanted to speak the anime language with great results, this is the right place. This language is currently spoken by over 120 million people and falling and the Japanese birth rate is one of the lowest in the world and are predicted to be extinct before the 4th millennium.

Step One: Understand the core components of the language

Japanese cannot be learned without understanding it, It's not like French or Spanish where it is almost like English. Japanese is way different for the most part and can often leave you very confuse if you don't know what you're doing.

Syntax, Agglutination and Verb Conjugation

What the fuck?! We have to read it backwards? Our stupid english brains ain't wired for that.

To understand how Japanese learners keep ending up learning gibberish Chinese, understand that Japanese uses a Subject-Object-Verb sentence structure instead of the usual Subject-Verb-Object of English meaning the instead of saying "I read Yaoi", it's "I Yaoi Read" which may be confusing. On top of this, their sentence reads in reverse order with the exception of the subject. For example. "I Read Yaoi with Marc Almond" reads as "I with Mark Almond Yaoi Read" which can be really confusing. Japanese is often considered an agglutinative language although unlike Finnish or Hungarian, the agglutination usually happens most commonly at the ending of a sentence where verb conjugation comes into play. Also, unlike Spanish, Verb Conjugations don't happen regarding person as there are no genders or grammatical numbers.

The Script (Weird Chinese Letters)

The famous Japanese Script that confuses people.

Japanese is known for it's usage of Chinese letters and can often be mistaken for Chinese. However, Japan has 3 systems of writing. Hiragana, usually used for particles and conjugations, Katakana, usually used for loanwords, and the hardest of all being Kanji which is pretty much Chinese including Chinese loanwords. There was a 4th one called Hentaigana which nobody really uses because the script was already hard enough and is often thought by foreigners to only appear in Hentai. There is also Furigana which is just Hiragana written on top of Kanji words kind of like how Pinyin is used to help with Chinese letters. These things take a seriously long time to learn.

Particles

You'll find that Japan has over a thousand particles but we only like to focus on the handful of important ones. These ones inflect on the subject and object before finally ending at the verb.

Step Two: Know the essential vocabulary

Do you know what this translates to? Yeah me neither.

To make this easier for you. We'll use romanji. We'll set up table of the most commonly used phrases in Japanese.

Familiar Japanese Words

English	Japanese Translation
Hello	Konnichiwa
Goodbye	Sayonara
How Are You?	Genki (desuka)?
I fucked your mom.	Okasan o okashita.
I love ramen	Ramen ga daisuki.
Thank you	Arigato (Gozaimasu).
Godzilla	Gojira
Go Go Power Rangers	Gōgōpawārenjā
Go Go Penis Rangers	Gōgōpenisurenjā
What time is it?	Nanjidesuka?

Step 3: Learn to Read Japanese

Japanese Kanji looks exactly like the things they're about.

To be able to read stolen Chinese characters, first recognize their mnemonic hints, that will make it much easier for you. Japanese Letters look exactly like what they are referring to. For example. The Kanji "本-Hon" Means book and it looks exactly like a book, or a tent set on a telephone pole. The Kanji "食-Taberu" looks like a Chinese person opening it's mouth, or a house that is about to collapse. Learn this for another 50 billion Kanji and you will be set.

Step 4: Honorifics

Words change depending what what or who you refer these things to. For example. Your parents, grandparents, your boss, the government, Godzilla, your high school bully or the creepy old man who wants to have sex with you. Your words are inflected to change depending on what you refer things to.

Step 0: Give Up

You'll come to realize you'll likely be intimidated by the whole language with it's complexities, you would be giving up immediately.