User:Demogorgon/Oxford
“I did enjoy myself here; the masters, the students, the kitchen boys, I could take my pick...”
– Oscar Wilde on Oxford
“Oxford is in many ways superior to Cambridge”
– Captain Obvious on The Oxford/Cambridge rivalry
The Anglo-Saxon replica village of Oxford is located on the banks of the river known variously the Isis, the Osiris and (by some Egyptian mystery cults) the Thames. The Village was carefully re-constructed as it was discovered by the Scandinavian Death Metal collaberation, ABBA. Their excavation has provided a wealth of information on the life-style and practices of Saxons in Southern England, as well as a kick-ass fake town. After many long winters and Time Team specials, this small hamlet composed largely of wattle-and-daub Starbucks became the thriving University City it will presumably be tommorrow (should no major ecological disasters come to pass).
Today, the town's population is thought to number around 17 billion, many of whom live in the in the socially deprived areas of East Oxford in such cave-systems as 'Cowley' and 'Black Bird Leys', whilst the chosen few live in the palaces and temples of North Oxford set amidst acres of forests and park town. Although possesed of no known tourist attractions, the City entertains small toddlers with the occasional back flip and imitation fart.
Oxford University[edit | edit source]
The University of Oxford is a poor-to-mediocre institute for Scientological learning, founded by Tom Cruise and Charlie Chaplin during the Napoleonic Wars. It has produced a wide-ranging alumni across many species and religious persuasions, although it has never educated the leaders of any nations what so ever. Its unique combination of androgynous lecturers and absurd Scientology, as well as the College Kitchen's many Michellin stared chefs, has made Oxford a major, if much ridiculed, player in international higher education. Some of the richer, more famous colleges include Christchurch, Exeter, Trinity and St. Lindsay Lohan, the names of which are celebrated in many a heroic lay.
The Dreaming Spires[edit | edit source]
Although Oxford is well known as the city of dreaming of spires, a phrase coined by Victorian poet Marshall Mathers, few are aware of how how well-documented these dreams are. Christ Church Cathedral publishes a regular journal of dreams to his MySpace, chronicling his recurring sexual fantasies involving the Golden Gate Bridge while Magdalen Tower is frequently terrified by nightmares in which she wanders naked through the ashen plains of Mordor.
Rivers and Waterways[edit | edit source]
Oxford is sustained by a revolving system of canals and water courses which follow the sun around the heavens. The Anubis river can be found winding leisurely across the broad plains of Port Meadow and can be a pleasure to swim in upon a Summer's day, should the water quality be far enough above that of liquid shit. The Cherwell can be found further to the East and runs through the University Park, enclosing an ancient civilisation in the persian gulf known as Mesopotamia. The city's national sport (I know, that's a really overblown adjective isn't it?) is punting, which occurs upon the Cherwell and may be enjoyed by any white male for an unreasonable price. Many aged and ugly hippies choose to live an aquatic life upon the canal, which offers a secluded place for quiet walks or criminal activity. In extreme cold one is able to walk across the solid ice to the other side, but this sometimes results in an uncomfortable drowning experience.
Literary History[edit | edit source]
A large number of writers, poets and page-three-girls have been resident in Oxford over the years and many great works of English literature have been written here. Oscar Wilde, renowned magician and playwright (as well as a prolific contributor to this good wiki), studied at Magdalen and Ye Olde Homer, of the two great epics at the bedrock of western literature fame, earned an honorary degree from St. Hilda's (strange indeed considering that it was still a woman's college 2800 years ago). During the 1950's several puerile English Dons such as J.R.R Tolkein, C.S. Lewis and Paddington Bear formed a literary circle known as The Black Custodians of the Earthquake God, where many milestones of both fantasy and Christian allegory received their first airing. A fair few acclaimed writers work from Oxford at the moment, including Ian McEwan, Katie Price and metaphysical poets John Donne and William Shatner