User:Dave the Explosive Newt/Bute Medical School

The Bute Medical School, full title The Bute School of Medicine Witchcraft and Wizardry, is the renound and elite medical branch of the University of St. Andrews. It was founded in the year 38 b.c. and was reciently voted by the university of St Andrews survey society to be the best medical school entire world

bute medical building

History and achievements

The Bute has a long and distinguished history, starting with its origins in the 1st century B.C. when Medicine was taught to local native tribesmen and literate sheep, who were visiting from North America. Currently the Bute is regarded internationally as the greatest medical school in the all of St Andrews, if not the whole of Fife. It is located in the harsh frontier of Scot-land, adjacent to the harsh wastes of Cupar. The terrible mutated creatures inhabiting this land mean that only the fittest survive the journey to the Bute, which gains them 10 points on their UCAS form.

An early prototype of the pancreas

Pancreas

Possibly the Butes most important contribtion to Medicine was when in 1292 they announced that they had invented the pancreas. At first they could only produce pancreases one at a time and they were therefore used exclusively by the rich and famous, one of the first pancreas users was Scottish king Robert the Bruce. The next important breakthrough for the Bute Medical School didn't come until 1314 when a method was at last developed to mass produce pancreases, making them available for everyone. Soon after followed customised pancreases, available in 32 different colours. The pancreas was not only useful on its own but paved the way for the invention of diabetes and various other diseases.

Defending justice and fighting evil

Some time after 1500a.d., the noble academics of the Bute noticed that all was not right with the world around then. Investigations soon proved their fears that St Andrews is in fact a universal gateway, a crossing point between areas of time and space and dimensions of the universe. They then devoted much of their time, power and energy during the following few centuries to protecting the world from the awesome destructive power around them and preventing the School of International Relations from assembling the 5 Key Stones to open the gate and destroy the world. During this period, Dr Jackson prevented a Dalek invasion of earth. Also more recently the Bute lead the rebels to victory in their dispute with Brain Lang Vader and his galactic empire. The swirling vortex that holds the Bute in quasi-dimensional alignment is located in C5 - if you are lucky, you may see Dr Nicol using it to communicate with his dark masters.

Bird Flu

Earlier this year St Andrews became the first UK university to produce successful versions of fashionable new diseases from the orient, a spokesperson was quoted as saying: "Bird Flu is the new black".

Research

Medical Photonics

Having been at the forefront of medical knowledge for the past 21 centuries the Bute continues to innovate and discover. Recent projects include research into medical photonics, the aim being to develop giant laser weapons that can be used in the fight against macro-bacteria, the gigantic single celled organisms which continue to roam the badlands of St Andrews. The Macro bacteria first appeared on earth in the mid 1960s. They rained down from the heavens upon the city of Dundee expressing God's anger after the college modelled on the Bute betrayed the University of St Andrews and struck off on their own. The bacteria destroyed the city of Dundee and then proceeded to ravage the east coast of scotland and spread and multiply until they reached the very fringes of St Andrews.

a large laser stun weapon in action against a macro-amobea

Weapons developed by the project are so far only partially effective, as yet they do not kill the vast prokaryotes but can be used to stun them, or once captured, to stun them repeatedly as part of the training programme lead by Sally Atkinson.

Superpancreas

Building on previous achievements they are also developing what is being codenamed "superpancreas", an internal organ which will release hormones to temporarily give you superpowers, allowing the user to help in the fight against interdimensional evil.

Some feel that this is a misuse of science and that temporary superhumans would contribute to evil instead of help fight against it. A number of public demonstrations took place calling for an end to the project including Bob Geldof's 2005 "Make Pancreas History" campaign.

Dr Margaret R Ritchie PhD Iniative

Lead by Dr Margaret R Ritchie PhD, the woman who constantly spearheads very very important research all around the world. So far she claims to have invented the strawberry, trousers and Salvador Dali, who knows what she'll come up with next.

Most recently, and most worryingly, she has taken to sampling the blood of first years. When she has collected enough, it is believed that she intends to summon the dark overlord and open the gateway to the dimension of pain. The research committee is assembling a group to investigate, under General Simon 'The Widowmaker' Powis.

Life the Bute and Everything

Some years ago the bute was involved in research into answering the ultimate question of life the bute and everything. Thinking that the question could never be answered Professor MacDougall arranged for the task to be given to Professor Andrew Ritches, hoping that he would be occupied with the task for the rest of his life without sucess.

Ritches rose to the task however, largely due to his vengful hatred of mice. He discovered that mice are infact hyperintelligent pan-dimentional beings and procured form them the information that the answer to life the bute and everything is in fact immunoglobulin iG42. He then went on to have a series of adventures throught the universe with his friends: Kemp the paranoid biochemist, a human girl calling herself Switen, and Peter Nelson who used to be president of the Galexy but gave it up in order to give lifeforms greater autonomy.

Upon returning to the bute there was a great press conference, all the worlds media gathered to hear the meaning of life, the bute and everything. Professor Ritches was quoted as very quietly saying "the neutrophils, basophils, esonophils, T-lymphocytes and immuno-globu-lins...". Sally Atkinson also made a speach for some reason saying: "this is jolly good, life and everything is full of seriously bad bacteria, many of them are nomadic and live mostly in Monglia, and i met thier king once you know, after falling off my horse and almost catching bubonic plague. Tallyho!" Then the great moment arrived, ritches pulled back the red crutain over the slide that would reveal the answer to the world. There was a great gasp then a confused pause. the slide showed 9 red circles, connected to wiggily green arrows pionting to an "=" sign followed by an irregular green splodge. Ritches would give no further explination but lived happily ever after amid hot debate as to the meaning of life and who is the greatest pathologist of them all, with no sing of an anwser any time soon.

Curriculum

The Bute Medical School prospers in its current situation, continuing to teach Medicine much as it has done for the past 2042 years. Medical students there undergo three years of study in various medical sciences before being sentenced to the heathen city of Manchester to continue study for a further three years and graduating as more or less fully-trained doctors. It is only in recent years that students have been sent to Manchester as until 1964 the Bute had its own teaching hospital located inside the Bute building; it is thought that the hospital is still there but is not used, as nobody is able to find it inside the building, where corridors rooms and staircases move and change of their own accord (this is unavoidable and is in fact the standard method of maintaining the integrity of buildings which are larger on the inside than on the outside)

Bob Pitmans tendon hammer of death

Old Ways Outlawed

In 2004 the medical curriculum at the school was overhauled following a 2002 ruling by the European Court of Human Rights that the popular VIVA examination was unethical. This exam was traditionally offered to students with fail or borderline grades and involved a grudgematch to first blood between the student and the tutor who had failed then, there was also an extreme league in which any student could gain a first-class degree upon winning a deathmatch with a professor of thier choice. The examination would take place in Venue 1 of the Students' Union in front of a sell-out crowd. Melee weapons such as swords, axes and samurai spoons were allowed, although students were encouraged to be creative with results such as spleen gun, sharpened NED and Bob Pitman's Tendon Hammer of Death. Due to health and saftey considerations participants were not allowed to run during this examination and had to walk sensibly. The last ever diet of VIVA's took place in May 2002, when Dr Amanda 'Bonecrusher' Fleet maintained her record of 546 exams unbeaten.

a lecturer skillfully uses a net in a VIVA

New Course

After a period of awkward limbo in which the students were kept in sleeping stasis by a year-long lecture on Biochemistry a new course of medical education was designed and started in September 2004. As well as the traditional sciences of Anatomy, Physiology, Pathology, Parapathology, Pharmacology and macro-micro biology (the study of giant bacteria and how they can injure people) students would now learn Behavioral Science, Alchemy and Clinical Skills, such as rectal examination. Faced with losing the revenue brought in by NBC coverage of the VIVA's, the School also introduced the OSPE. This is a large obstacle course in which students must cross and one at a time bring back 10 patients to safety. They have five minutes to bring each patient back. There are four clinical patients who the student must save if they want to pass - these are patients who have a medical problem. There are six non-clinical patients who the student can pass without saving (these are patients who don't have anything wrong with them and are probably just moaning). Kaplan-Meier survival curves now show that it is possible to revive one dead patient by giving the international signal for 'Checking for Danger' as used during Basic Life Support skills training (hold hands high, keep fingers apart and wave to the examiner)

Other subjects

In times gone by the Bute also ran routine courses in Witchcraft and Wizardry, hence the full name of the institution. This practice has all but disappeared in recent years. The School and those asscoiated with it still maintain many magical properties (such as Dr Nicol, who can talk at superhuman speed and Dr Kemp, who although thoroughly amazing has an ablilty to place entire lecture theatres in a deep, deep sleep). The Bute also incorporates the University of St Andrews' Centre for Jedi Studies and is responsible for the education of most of Great Britain's Jedi Knights.

Staff

A team of elite heroes from around the world, gathered to the bute to lecture, teach and defend justice.

Jedi Master Professor R.H. McDougal Dean of Medicine, Head of School and member of the Jedi council for Northeast Fife & StAndrews. Wise, noble and powerful, Hugh is the benevolent leader of the bute medical school. He arrived mysteriously, riding on a white unicorn, when in 2003 the bute was at its darkest hour. Faced not only with the ban against VIVA the school also had to deal with the infamous Guildgate scandal and its contuinuing rebelion against the imperial forces of Brian Lang Vader who had seised control of the galactic republic of st andrews. Within hours of arriving R.H. had solved all of these probolems with one single and brilliant solution which has never been fully explained to anyone else because thier brians would be in danger of exploding due to the sheer brilliance of it. He is seldom seen in his office, as he has powers of invisibility.

The dean of the Bute

Dr Sinclair Pro-Dean and King of the medical school and winner of the 1932 nobel prize for medicine for discovering the critical relationship between structure and function, this is a relationship which is critical, and is absolutely vital to a proper understanding of anatomy. Dr Sinclair has been at the bute medical school since its creation and it is said that he was sent there by Hippocrates on a mission to guard the school against pirates, terrorists and sub-standard anatomy teaching. It was prophesised by Dr Jackson that Dr Sinclair will eventaully be killed in a battle against his nemesis, Dr Guild. In 1998 he was briefly replaced by a Dr Sinclair from a parallel universe where you cannot know both the structure and the function of a body part. His favourite muscle is soleus, and he has never learnt more by reading less. Current research revolves around the invention of a third arm with which to improve the tutorage of students in anatomy.

Dr Guild Dr Guild is the brains behind such schemes as paint-by-numbers Public Health and Find the Ganglion and Win! Currently Head of teaching at the bute he emerged surprisingly unscathed from the mysterious 2003 guildgate scandal after a group of students who had arrived late to several lectures were apparently abducted by aliens, whilst another latecommer was seemingly eaten by cows. His favorite colour is pink and he enjoys long walks on sandy beaches.

Dr Jackson David Jackson, that is to say Dr David Jackson, or Dr Jackson if you will, is a histologist and anatomist at the bute. He is also a timelord. Many years ago, he wrote a treatise called the Bute Prophesies, detailing the fate of the Bute and several things outside it such as the world for years to come. While many of the prophesies are still a closely guarded secret, the book in which they were written guarded night and day by Henry Rae and his legion of SimMan warriors, several were inadvertantly discovered by a student who was sneaking around C15 looking for their midterm marks. Some of these - the introduction of the new course and the attempt on Pope John Paul II's life in the 1980s - have already come to pass. Other prophesies yet to come true include Hugh MacDougall using his force powers to move the Bute to the North Haugh and the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil. For more information see: Bute medical School: The adventures of Dr Jackson

Dr Whiten This former VIVA extreme league champion would lull students into a false sense of security before smiting them with Bob Pitmans tendon hammer of death. She also has an evil alter ego known as the pheonix, as whom she posesses terrible psycic and telekinetic powers that no-one can control. For much of her life Professor McDougall has tutored her in the ways of the force to help her control her awesome power.

Dr Aiton According to photographic evidence displayed in the clinical skills lab, Dr Aiton was once in posession of a fine mustache, however this was stolen from him by Dr Jackson in order to win the Mr St Andrews 1987 final and never since returned - the start of a longstanding feud between the two. In 2002 Dr Aiton was seconded to Saltire, an intra-university taskforce established to wipe out Communism and has since been largely been cited by historians as a key player in the fall of the Berlin wall. Also invented Jaffa cakes.

Professor Riches After an accident at a nuclear test site, Professor Riches gained the ability to fire radioactive cosmic rays from his eyes. While this necessitated the wearing of extra-thick glasses to shield others from the radiation, it also allowed him to finally take revenge on the mice who had so brutally murdered his family when he was only six years old.

Prof Trevor Gibbs A recent addition to the Bute, it is a little known fact that Trevor gave up a life of riches and fame as the third Chuckle Brother to teach medicine.

Julie Struthers single unblinking eye

Julie Struthers Julie Struthers is a self-aware computer that holds the MCQ database. After every exam she eats all the little red cards and assigns each student a random mark. Two years ago, Professor Michael Steel attempted to have her removed, only for her to intone "I can't let you do that Dave" and blast him into exile on the Scores.

Dr Predrag Bjelospevzklpnkgrlic Dr Predrag is a pathologist and so logically he teaches clinical skills at bute. His name has never ever been said correctly and he takes great secret pleasure in not telling people that its actually pronounced 'smith'.

Dr Dave Very much the Fonzie figure of the Bute, Dr Dave Elson took up a post in St Andrews to get away from hectic city life after his previous girlfriend dying - from exhaustion, and to lie low from the police (they wanted to arrest him - for being just too gorgeous). During this eventful year, he bedded no less that 178 girls, 4 that we're not sure about, one that was definitely a man and a tree. He fled the town in June, persued by a score of single mothers.

Dr Kemp Possibly the most exciting sentient being in the universe, when not lecturing or buying interesting jumpers Dr Kemp is hooked up to a device that removes, refines and bottles his exhuberance - this is then sold on as Red Bull. Before arriving at the bute his life was interesting and varied, he spent a period as queen of an african tribe before leaving to be the frist human to climb the worlds highest underwater mountain. He tutored Joseph Stalin in knitting and cross-stich and was the lead singer of a peruvian heavy metal band in the 70's. He is credited as the inventor of the spork.

The Bute Medical School goes to Hollywood

Bring me the Condylar Canal of Alfredo Garcia disected by Dr David Sinclair.

Four Weddings and a Myocardial Infarction starring Colin Nicol and Amanda Fleet.

Raging Bull starring almost everyone!

Notable Students

Dexter Hamon the inventor of the artifial appendix.

Galen later to have a website named in his honour.

David Sinclair see above.