User:DJ Irreverent/UnNews:Ice age end, Tribe get hot; All confused.

Big Cave down near mud hole: -- An air of panic has descended over the clan; incoherent grunting has increased tenfold, commodity markets have collapsed - the price of meat has skyrocketed, while the price of a wife has dropped below two clubs to the head - and the once bountiful mammoths are now few and far between.

Once cold enough for 3 reindeer skins, it is now possible to walk round with a simple fig leaf or, for those with no dignity, nothing at all. Sadly, if the soothsayers are correct, unwanted phallic display could be the least of the problems – massive floods, storms, giant fireballs and anachronistic attacks from giant lizards could all present themselves in the strangely snow-less future.

In response to these dire predictions even that cave up near the river

, while Witch-Doctor Og simply confused the gathering with his pretentious and overly verbose explanation of the situation, "... mammoth gone, me hot."

Blame fell squarely on the shoulders of

Many chose not to attend the conference at all, preferring to club each other over the head wait for the new season of Disgruntled Cavewives to be drawn.

Tribe have called big meeting, all scared. All mammoth gone, no snow, sea lapping at cave entrance, nothing but reruns on cave-wall; no one know what happening.

possible cancellation of the traditional mammoth cook-off

Ulll Gurr talk long time, bring many strange drawing, he blame new invention – fire. It make much smoke, make sky angry. He say before fire we all happy; eat mammoth in warm time, freeze happily at cold.

Ulll Gurr say we must use sun power and wind blow, make much less smoke. Fires must meet CAFÉ (Cave Accepted Fire Efficiency) standard, replace dung with bio-dung, no more great mammoth cook off; then mammoth come back, more snow. Me think he just in it to be Chief man.

Bur argue that he will lose job at dung factory, how will he pay for mortgage on cave, his kid need fix teeth? Witch doctor say “nonsense”, this been happening for million years, always up and down like sun god, not us fault. Holy man also say “nonsense”, cave only one thousand year old, this result of us make sun god angry. He blame immorality, Gur marry Qurr, people ignore sun god, rock music, that kind of thing.

Old man speak up; he very wise, wear loin cloth very high. He blame wheel, back in his day they only use stick and were just fine. We put him back in cave, he leave big puddle.

Woman speak up; she blame man, say if woman ran the cave this not happen. Me just hoot, Bur club her and drag her back to kitchen. What she know, she should be cooking mammoth chop, not thinking like man.

Bur speak up; he blame Neanderthal, taking our mammoth, stopping our snow, Them strange; have big nose, speak funny, watch strange cave painting. Bur say we club them until they give us back our mammoth, snow. Me like this idea, volunteer to whack Neanderthals - Bur say this over very quick.

Chief-man Og was surprisingly absent from the meeting, currently taking an extended break at the coastal cave to recover from the strains of leadership. He did, however, issue a press release concerning the current issue, "Og club many bird, have much fun." He was observed afterwards slapping backs and joking with a dung industry representative.

One thing is for certain though might bring an end to Neolithic society as we have known it for the last 5 winters.

"Me want action, not stalling! It not 15,000BC! Gop set target-- ohh LOOK! Big Piggy!"

Sadly, before any concrete action could be taken, the gathering was interrupted by a particularly juicy pig. Hopefully things will improve in the next 15 millennia or so...