User:DJ Irreverent/UnBooks:The Simple Home Anti-Terrorist Guide for Use at Home

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Avoiding Terrorist Attacks at Home[edit | edit source]

Holidays[edit | edit source]

Terrorists are most likely to strike on an important cultural or religious holiday to inflict maximum casualties and hog the potato salad. They hold particular disdain for Western and Jewish holidays as they represent anti-Islamic ideals and bring back uncomfortable memories of yesteryear.

Christmas - Rampant consumerism, blasphemous displays, fake beards; Christmas symbolizes everything an Islamic radical despises. A terrorist attack is about as likely as you maxing out your credit card.

Hanukah – A festival of Zionism; by far the most hated holiday in the Islamic world after Lets Draw Muhammad Day. Particular vigilance is needed when playing dradel - Extreme chance of attack.

Easter – Terrorists love those Easter eggs with the creamy center. Very high chance of attack.

Mothers Day – If there is one thing a terrorist fears, it is their mother. Sure Islamic texts say women are lower than dogs but every insurgent knows that it is the mother who will stop them from getting anywhere near their promised virgins. There is very little chance of a terrorist attack on Mothers day as terrorists are too busy taking their long suffering mothers muffin baskets, hand crafts and captured western diplomats.

Basic Security[edit | edit source]

Normal Suspicious
Brings potato salad. Brings stick of dynamite.
Brings nicely wrapped package with ribbon. Brings badly wrapped, ticking package.
I want a beer! I want to stone that filthy uncovered woman!
Watches Desperate Housewives. Watches Lost.

Playmate Peril[edit | edit source]

So your child has brought home a suspected terrorist; if they have a beard it is shoot-on-site, but if they are a bit younger, you are presented with a bit of a problem.

Ask the child to remove their shoes and bag, a strip search is not necessary as it will more than likely get you arrested. You should treat the child like any other visitor – give them pie, ice-cream or beer as you would give your child – but be vigilant. Keep tabs on what the suspect is doing at all times.

Normal Child Activities

  • Wants to play with toy cars.
  • Forms Mega Ultra Robots Club (no girls allowed).
  • Plays with Lego.

Suspicious Child Activities

  • Wants to stone the filthy uncovered woman next door.
  • Forms Great Islamic Brigade of Jihad Against Western and Zionist Infidels (no girls allowed).
  • Plays with Mega-blocks.

If you have reason to suspect the child is actually a terrorist you may proceed to interrogation. Children don’t respond well to normal interrogation techniques, they are likely to clam up and start crying for their mother. More subtle interrogation techniques can be incorporated into a game. A good example is;


Try to avoid this;


Children are much more likely to respond to water guns than water boarding, they will happily tell you the location of the explosives factory once they trust you. Food is a good way to earn a child’s trust, plus you can slip truth serum into lemonade with ease.

If you feel that the child isn’t giving good intel it is alright to smack the child, this can be easily explained as punishment for breaking your best vase. It is not, however, alright to use pliers, handcuffs or Wiggles DVDs.

Surveillance[edit | edit source]

Preemptive Strikes[edit | edit source]

Sure you may loose all credibility in your neighborhood and never be invited to another street party, but it is completely necessary to your family’s protection.

Prevention[edit | edit source]

How To Deal With a Terrorist Strike at Home[edit | edit source]

1. Don't Panic - Try to act cool, real cool, Frank Sinatra cool, or at least someone who listens to Frank Sinatra records on a dusty old record player cool. Use the age old simply don't acknowledge there are terrorists there. Terrorists are just like teenagers - all they want is attention and a few hot virgins - this is why the ignorance tactic works well. A good example of its usage is this situation;


If the tactic is successful then the terrorist will leave in a fit of teenage angst. If you find yourself pumped with Arabic lead, try to stem the bleeding and move on to step 2.


2. Do Panic - Ahhhh!!! Your family is going to die, you will be beheaded, your spouse will be blown up, your son will be converted, your daughter will become a child bride of some oily Arab sheik, you've got cancer, AIDS, typhoid and rabies, America will sink deeper into recession, your beloved puppy dog didn't go to the farm, you are distantly related to Hitler, that mud cake I gave you for your birthday was filled with pot, David Schwimmer was not the best actor on Friends, Aliens killed JFK, Soilent Green is people, No one shot Nice Guy Eddie it was actually a clever flashback blended into the plot with retrospective perspective, and so on...

For maximum effect it is necessary to remove your clothing, this works particularly well if you are a woman as the terrorists have more than likely never seen an uncovered woman.


3. Manners Manners - Ask the terrorists politely to leave;


You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would.


4. Weaponz! - By now the terrorists are probably thinking that they have stumbled into some mental asylum thus making it the perfect time to hit them with some actual resistance. Here are a few things that you may have around the house to fend off a terrorist strike.

  • Spatula - Not very effective weapon; will do little more than irritate the terrorist, may even make them flippin' mad when used in conjunction with crappy puns.
  • Cookie Tray - Rather effective weapon; a sturdy metal tray can knock out some teeth at the very least. The primary weapon in the ancient housewife martial art of Tray Kwan Do.
  • Grandma's Shotgun - Rather effective weapon; guaranteed to leave a civil war era hole in any terrorist that dares attack your family. Unfortunately it takes a while to load, is rather inaccurate and may leave powder stains on your curtains.
  • The Reagan Diaries - Very effective weapon; will make a nice neo-conservative bruise on any terrorist's face, may even put them to sleep for a while.
  • Thermonuclear Warhead - Very effective weapon; will vaporise any and all terrorists attacking you, may have the unfortunate side effect of vaporising your family and anything else in a 50 mile radius.


5. Bake some cookies - Just because they are trying to kill you doesn't mean you can't be hospitable.

Hostage Situations[edit | edit source]

So a group of fanatics has taken a member of your family hostage, what do you do?

Well first you must ask how much do I really want them, all Billy ever did was draw on the walls and complain for ice-cream. In the case of elderly hostages it is actually a benefit to you - no boring stories, nursing home payments or unexplained puddles. Set a limit and never ever go above it, no matter what the terrorist threatens to do. Don't be a hero, if worse comes to worse it is better to let them go than risk losing more family members or your model train collection. Here is a good example of successful hostage negotiation;


No one was hurt, the father got his daughter back and was able to show off his pool table. Success!

Unfortunately, 99% of the time, the terrorist is just out to kill. There is very little you can offer someone who believes that 72 virgins are but a button press away - this makes negotiation very hard. However there are a few ways to deal with this kind of situation;

  • Wait for click
  • Hum and wait for click
  • Have a cigarette and wait for click - like the cool kids!
  • Tell a filthy limerick - Will take up time explaining the joke.
  • Play I Spy - "I spy with my little eye beginning with g."

Other than this there is little more you can do than make funeral arrangements and rue the fact you didn't buy our Terrorist Prevention Kit (Now just $49.99!).

Fun Stuff![edit | edit source]

Anti-Terrorist Art and Craft[edit | edit source]

Yankee Yummies

One for the patriot at heart, with an authentic civil war taste!

Materials:

  • 4 cups flour.
  • 1 cup water.
  • 1 cup sugar.
  • 1 cup chocolate chips.
  • 6 cups butter.
  • 1 cup gunpowder.
  • 7 swigs moonshine.
  • 2 - 4 lead bullet cases.
 Tree House Prison Camp

A great addition to any yard for both fun and functionality. The tree house will entertain kids for hours and help expand their imagination, plus it doubles as an internment camp when unearthing a potential terrorist plot.

Materials:

  • A few spare pieces of lumber, fence palings preferably.
  • Several meters of chicken wire.
  • A stable tree.
  • Nails.
  • 2 large, ferocious dogs.
  • Bucket for building sandcastles or waterboarding.
  • Speakers for local jazz station on lazy Sunday afternoon, or sleep deprivation during interrogation.
Smart Bomb

The perfect gift for mothers day and also an effective terrorist deterrent. There is nothing that says "I love you" more than a cute little Smart Bomb. When decorated with little flowers it will do wonders for your decor!

Materials:

  • Two dozen paddle-pop sticks.
  • Glue.
  • Cellophane.
  • Old milk carton.
  • 5-6 kilograms of depleted uranium.
Goes perfectly at daddy's workplace!

Terrorist Test[edit | edit source]

As you have gathered already, terrorists are very crafty. There is a distinct possibility that a terrorist operative has already infiltrated your family; they might be masquerading as your son, maybe that exchange student from Japan that has just moved in, you yourself may even be a terrorist and not realize it. So, to rat out any potential terrorist in your household, throw a big family meeting, bake some cookies[1], heat up the car battery and present everyone with a copy of this test.


Example Test

Name: <insert name here>


Question 1 - Are you a terrorist?

y) Yes, you found me.

n) No and I'll bomb your house to the ground for suggesting it.


Question 2 - Have you committed or thought about committing a terrorist act in the last 12 months?

y) Yes oh yes.

n) No.


Question 3 - Would you like to trial our new range of beard hygiene products?

y) Definitely, can I get more of that lemon scented beard oil?

n) No, I like the rugged, Taliban look.


Situations[edit | edit source]

Question 4 - A McDonald's has just opened up in your neighborhood. What will you do?

a) Start picketing their destruction of the Amazon out front.

b) Take the family out for dinner.

c) Blow up that symbol of Western imperialism.

d) I only eat at Burger King.


Question 5 - You have caught your daughter uncovered with another man. The man is not a relative. What do you do?

a) Awww, my little girl is growing up.

b) Get the shot-gun - An out of towner ay? Either way there's gonna be something happening at the church tonight!

c) Stone her to death.

d) Film and upload on the internet.


Question 6 - Bob suggests you should join the football team. Abdullah suggests you should join the local wing of Islamic Jihad. Which will you join?

a) Neither.

b) Football team.

c) Islamic Jihad.

d) Jazz quartet.


Question 7 - Bob accuses Bill of possessing some water-bombs. Bill denies having any water-bombs as he can't afford any. Bill allows a third party to search his house for water-bombs - none are found. Bob is still adamant that Bill has water-bombs, he fakes intel that Bill may have owned some water-bombs in the past and is therefore a current threat. Bob then bombs Bill back to the stone age.

Who Is committing terrorism?

a) Bill.

b) The third party.

c) Bob.

d) Iran.


Problems[edit | edit source]

Question 8 - Bob is digging a hole. After a while Bob realizes that he has dug too deep to get out of said hole, what should Bob do?

a) Keep digging.

b) Withdraw and dig another hole somewhere else.

c) Dig the course.

d) Stay the dig.


Question 9 - Abdul bombs 2 trains, 3 pubs and a plane. How many virgins does he receive?

a) 23.

b) 11.

c) 72.

d) Infinite.


Question 10 - A train leaves Chicago at 9:20am, traveling at 90km/h. A second train leaves New York at 10:10am traveling at 110km/h. Taking into consideration that there are no breakdowns, hold-ups or derailments, which train is it best to attack?

a) The first train.

b) The second train.

c) Both trains.

d) 1:09pm... wait.


Question 11 - Rock?

a) Scissors.

b) Paper.

c) Car-bomb.

d) Air-strike.

Question 12 - ﭡﭟﭰﭭﭴﭡﭫﭻﮀﭱﮄ ﮒ ﮐﮍﮑ ﭽﭳﭭﭠﭝﭛ ﭡﭟﭰﭭﭴﭡﭫﭻﮀﭱﮄ ﮒ ﮐﭡﭟﭰﭭﭴﭡﭫﭻﮀﭱﮄ ﮒ ﮐﮍﮑ ﭽﭳﭭﭠﭝﭛ ﭡﭟﭰﭭﭴﭡﭫﭻﮀﭱﮄ ﮒ ﮐﮍﮑ ﭽﭳﭭﭠﭝﭛﭨﭠ ﮄﮃ ﮂﭢﭰﭭﭺﭸﭞﮁ ﭲﭟﮡﮚﭾﭱ

a) I dropped Arabic in favor of philosophy.

b) Dang terrorist speak!

c) Praise Allah!

d) Όχι πάλι

Image Stimulus[edit | edit source]

Fig. 1

Question 13 - How would you describe Fig. 1?

a) Good.

b) Alright, a bit fat around the hips.

c) Evil uncovered western swine.

d) Sexually Arousing.

Fig. 2

Question 14 - What do you feel when you look at Fig. 2?

a) Mad

b) Sad

c) Happy

d) Sexually Aroused

Fig. 3

Question 15 - What do you see when you look at Fig. 3?

a) Three giant penises (or penii)

b) Freedom

c) The great sword of Allah slaying the infidels

d) A frog

Fig. 4

Question 16 -


What If The Terrorist Isn't a Muslim[edit | edit source]

So far we have assumed that your particular terrorist threat comes in the form of an archetypal Islamic extremist; full with beard, turban and unnatural infatuation with goats. But there are many other kinds of terrorist;

The Gay - Though more inclined to bath-bombs than car bombs, homosexuals are still terrorists. They seek to "blow up" our great country's ethics through more subtle means, like pride parades and leather G-strings, rather than committing some kind of grand Jihad. Just to be sure, if the suspect starts talking about the joys of musical theater, it is shoot on site; bribe jurors later.

Eco-Terrorist -

  1. ↑ Preferably ones with the American flag on it.
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