User:ColonelKurtz/Lawrence of Arabia

Thomas Edward Lawrence. There is no other name that brings as much fear, as much dread to any dictator throughout history than Thomas Edward Lawrence. T.E. Lawrence, "The Man Who Overthrew the Ottomans," the Man who Managed to Rule the Middle East. These are but a few of the many names of the man that inspired the popular archetype of the rogue warlord. Thomas Edward Lawrence "of Arabia" IV was an infamous warlord, the most notorious since Joshua thousands of years earlier, who managed to overthrow the powers that controlled the Middle East, the Ottomans, and in their place establish one of the greatest empires since the Romans. T.E. Lawrence was a philosophical genius, even more so than the much later, and equally successful Colonel Kurtz. Lawrence was considered so wise that people would ask him the answer to the difficult Girlfriend Problem, and here he responded with the most famous answer:

“You see, have you considered the idea that you shouldn't treat women like shit? It is this mythological idea that women like you more if you don't treat them like mindless sex machines”

~ T.E. Lawrence.

Sadly, he died in 1917 because his awesomeness was too much for his frail mind and body to comprehend. But he managed to get the Muslims fooled enough into thinking that he was Muhammed coming back. It was prophesied that he would come in the Book of Zoronkinistai 23:46-47:

"And lo, there shall come a man in the worst of times; and he shall lead armies unlike anything before and he shall rule all the world through him and his sons for countless days. He shall instill fear into every ruling man, for the LORD is his weapon, and his weapon is his host."

Lawrence was also known to pen down several works, most notably My First Animals from A to Z, a profound work that explored issues of existentialism, nihilism, death, heaven, hell, mythology, religion, fatalism, what good tactics mean, and what it means to be human. Lawrence was also a devout Catholic, and using this he convinced legions of angry Muslims that a giant formless space blob in the sky and a schizophrenic cave hermit who once thought that warfare was glorious was not easy to believe in. Another one was The Wheel of Time, a giant what-if scenario deliberately misinterpreted by Lawrence's friends to be divine prophecies.

The War

Lawrence of Arabia was once a simple, English gentleman who dreamed of being so much more. It was nice being a Colonel but he didn't want to go rogue. Where was he born? He just randomly spawned in like nothing happened; apparently he was born in Wales. So he was sent to Arabia in 1913 to help the Arabs overthrow the evil and cruel Ottomans. Lawrence thought it was absurd that he of all people should be the one to do it. In 1914, the Ottomans were rapidly advancing to Egypt where they planned to cross the Nile's bay into Cairo and go down south it to siege it. Lawrence's plan? Go back far into Arabia, where the supply lines were, and burn it all down. However, before that could happen, he had to spend roughly two while years uniting the Arabian Tribes. This was difficult because they all believed different versions of the Book of Mormon, debating how Joseph Smith invented the Reformed Egyptian texts. T.E. Lawrence told them to come with him if they wanted to be free. For the next three years he would fuck up the Ottomans, randomly desecrating Muhammad statues and even burning a seaside town in 1916.