User:ColonelKurtz/Lawrence of Arabia

Thomas Edward Lawrence. There is no other name that brings as much fear, as much dread to any dictator throughout history than Thomas Edward Lawrence. T.E. Lawrence, "The Man Who Overthrew the Ottomans," the Man who Managed to Rule the Middle East. These are but a few of the many names of the man that inspired the popular archetype of the rogue warlord. Thomas Edward Lawrence "of Arabia" IV was an infamous warlord, the most notorious since Joshua thousands of years earlier, who managed to overthrow the powers that controlled the Middle East, the Ottomans, and in their place establish one of the greatest empires since the Romans. T.E. Lawrence was a philosophical genius, even more so than the much later, and equally successful Colonel Kurtz. Lawrence was considered so wise that people would ask him the answer to the difficult Girlfriend Problem, and here he responded with the most famous answer:

“You see, have you considered the idea that you shouldn't treat women like shit? It is this mythological idea that women like you more if you don't treat them like mindless sex machines”

~ T.E. Lawrence.

Sadly, he died in 1917 because his awesomeness was too much for his frail mind and body to comprehend. But he managed to get the Muslims fooled enough into thinking that he was Muhammed coming back. It was prophesied that he would come in the Book of Zoronkinistai 23:46-47:

"And lo, there shall come a man in the worst of times; and he shall lead armies unlike anything before and he shall rule all the world through him and his sons for countless days. He shall instill fear into every ruling man, for the LORD is his weapon, and his weapon is his host."

Lawrence was also known to pen down several works, most notably My First Animals from A to Z, a profound work that explored issues of existentialism, nihilism, death, heaven, hell, mythology, religion, fatalism, what good tactics mean, and what it means to be human. Lawrence was also a devout Lutheran, and using this he convinced legions of angry Muslims that a giant formless space blob in the sky and a schizophrenic cave hermit who once thought that warfare was glorious was not easy to believe in.

Biography

The War

Lawrence of Arabia was once a simple, English gentleman who dreamed of being so much more. It was nice being a Colonel but he didn't want to go rogue. Where was he born? He just randomly spawned in like nothing happened; apparently he was born in Wales. So he was sent to Arabia in 1913 to help the Arabs overthrow the evil and cruel Ottomans. Lawrence thought it was absurd that he of all people should be the one to do it. In 1914, the Ottomans were rapidly advancing to Egypt where they planned to cross the Nile's bay into Cairo and go down south it to siege it. Lawrence's plan? Go back far into Arabia, where the supply lines were, and burn it all down. However, before that could happen, he had to spend roughly two while years uniting the Arabian Tribes. This was difficult because they all believed different versions of the Book of Mormon, debating how Joseph Smith invented the Reformed Egyptian texts. T.E. Lawrence told them to come with him if they wanted to be free. For the next three years he would fuck up the Ottomans, randomly desecrating Muhammad statues and even burning a seaside town in 1916.

Lawrence giving Mercy to his victims.

Massacre of Damascus

Lawrence was on his way to the yearly pilgrimage to Damascus to make sure the British wouldn't fuck up the war he'd fought, when he realized the Ottomans had united with the British to take control of Damascus, and they were based in Damascus. He rallied the Arabian tribes as well as some hetereodox British commanders, and began to massacre. Over three days, Damascus was utterly burned and destroyed and the high command massacred. Then he went to Arabia, and began revolting there. British armies were randomly attacked in Arabian roads, often by using proxies that Lawrence put in place. Britain just gave up. Lawrence established a monarchy, that continues well into infinity known as Arabian Republic with its central religion around worshipping Lawrence as God incarnate. Now the British were getting pissed.

The Plot to Assassinate Lawrence of Arabia

Now a certain guy named Jimmy was the literal embodiment of the coomer meme: he spent all day masturbating to hentai and visiting porn theaters whenever the mood struck him. He was a basement dweller who despised Lawrence for getting hot Arabian whores left and right, while Jimmy only had his waifu to love him. This Jimmy decided to kill. He walked to Damascus where Lawrence was being Lawrence, but when Jimmy shot him, Lawrence bended time and space to make sure the bullet killed Jimmy. Eventually INGSOC heard of Lawrence and his misadventures, so they repositioned him once Winston Smith and Julia returned. And then he goes into further misadventures, but go read ASBOSAAT you clueless idiot. After all those shenanigans, Lawrence survooved