User:Captain Asshole/Incurable Asshole Syndrome

an Incurable Asshole protests but nobody cares

Incurable Asshole Syndrome is a serious medical condition that currently affects 80% of the world - sufferers display the inability to function as decent human beings and become complete and utter assholes. Few (if any) recover from this terrible disease.

one of the more famous sufferers of Incurable Asshole Syndrome

History

Throughout human evolution there have been assholes but every now and then their comes a special kind of asshole known as the Incurable Asshole, people who are so outrageously obnoxious that their very name inspires rage and/or nausea in non-sufferers: thus the term Incurable Asshole Syndrome came into use.

The condition goes back as far as human history and has been observed in other animals but the term has not been widely used until fairly recent times - when knowledge on the disease became more widespread in the medical world.

In the early days of human evolution Incurable Asshole Syndrome was relatively rare as the Incurable Asshole was often subjected to social exclusion, severe beatings and generally mocking by his or her peers - however with the onset of the internet the condition has worsened to the point some scientists have began to see it as a pandemic.

Symptoms

a gathering of Incurable Assholes

Sufferers of Incurable Asshole Syndrome often display one or more of the following symptoms - although every Incurable Asshole is unique and thus there is no proven way to diagnose the condition until it reaches it's critical stages:

1. Delusions Of Grandeur (one of the early stages of the disease but also one of the more annoying, an Incurable Asshole suddenly begins to think of themselves as some sort of higher being and continually recycles a monologue of largely incomprehensible speeches designed to make others see how great a person they are, those who refuse to listen to these ramblings are often subjected to attempts at slander, defamation or trolling (as discussed below) )
2. Malicious Attention-Seeking (another early sign of the disease is when an Incurable Asshole engages in malicious attention-seeking, such as vandalising, dressing up as certain prophets or Aryan leaders and frequenting terrible sites such as Encyclopedia Dramatica or 4chan - where they often pick up very dated memes which they begin to copy: if not combated quickly this condition rapidly mutates into the next stage: Internet Trolling.)
3. Internet Trolling (a middle-stage development, an Incurable Asshole becomes fixated on the passtime of trolling the internet, once this stage has been reached their is little hope for the Incurable Asshole as they inevitably decend into the Refusal To Live In Reality as they spend hours plotting mayhem online, unaware or uncaring of the fact almost all internet sites are more than equipped to revert their badly written articles about Rick Astley or their forums on how much TF sucks)
4. An Increased Desire To Protest (this end-stage symptom is like a hybrid between Malicious Attention-Seeking and Internet Trolling in which the Incurable Asshole basically dedicates themselves to becoming a real-life troll: they will engage in pointless activism and often support ridicolous ideas and groups either to get attention or simply to piss off as many people as possible: the group PETA is especially known for being filled with Incurable Assholes suffering from this symptom - amongst countless others.)
5. Refusal To Live In Reality (the final stages of the disease - at this point an Incurable Asshole completely shuts out external reality and begins to believe themselves to be truly beyond the reach of mere mortals - Incurable Assholes suffering from this simply can not be reasoned with and will gladly engage in massive debates, trolling and protests at any point: they may also believe themselves to be loved and adored by all around themselves or take some twisted pleasure out of being reviled - sadly once this symptom has reared its head their is no way to reverse it and most Incurable Assholes remain afflicted with the condition until death.)

Causes

There is no one single cause to Incurable Asshole Syndrome but a few theories have been put out, amongst the most popular are:

A Need For Acceptance

Some have suggested the Incurable Asshole is a result of a need for acceptance and that sufferers are, in general, seeking acceptance - however this theory doesn't explain how many Incurable Assholes are accepted yet worsen as a result: this is especially true in the case of Politicans, an ethnic group that has one of the highest occurrences of Incurable Assholes.

Demonic Possession

The current stance of the Pope concerning the condition, which he states is not a disease but demonic possession - this theory has been quickly dismissed by science and other world religions, the Pope has also used Demonic Possession as a means to explain other diseases such as homosexuality and atheism.

Human Nature

perhaps one of the more controversial theories came from a philosopher who noted that "humanity is, by nature, a giant asshole - spewing forth shit by which to defile not only the planet but also the minds of others" - this theory has gained increasing popularity amongst cynics and misanthropes but is not widely accepted by the optimists.

Prevention

Although there is no known way to prevent Incurable Asshole Syndrome recent research has suggested that the disease may be contegious - people who spend a prolonged period of time with an Incurable Asshole are ten-times more likely to develop Incurable Asshole Syndrome than those that don't: however short of completely isolating every Incurable Asshole on the planet there is as of yet no effect means of combatting the disease.

Notable Sufferers

Satan (Satan - also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, Iblis and about a billion other names was pretty much the original Incurable Asshole, indeed if modern religion is to be believed Satan is perhaps the greatest Incurable Asshole of all time: rivalled only by God himself.)

Adolf Hitler (active during some ancient period of history few remember this esteemed ruler of Nazi Germany may of been voted the nicest guy around by many but he was also an Incurable Asshole - we'd list his acts of asshole related antics but really, it's already been done to death..)

Jack Thompson (videogames are evil, corrupt and turn our kids into killers - Jack Thompson on the other hand turns adults into killers with his constant need for attention: this Incurable Asshole once successfully sued his own fans for sending him flowers, thus showing himself to be suffering from the final stages of the disease.)