User:Bobbingood/Felixsowe Academy
Felixsowe Academy is a secondary school and sixth form with a diminished academy status, located over two sites in Felixstowe, Suffolk, England, Europe, Earth.
The school was formed in September 2011 from the merging of two tribes, known as the Orwelders and the Debenders. Currently, the school operates from both of the former tribal colony sites. However new school mud huts are being constructed at the former Orwelder site, and when completed will accommodate all savages in half the space, with the old Debender site ‘closing down’ and being sold off to the highest bidder. So far the highest bidder is North Korea, who wishes to use the site as a military outpost.
The tribal school supposedly offers further education courses, primarily at A Level, but also several special ‘vocational courses’ for potential dumbshits like me.
History[edit | edit source]
Orwelder High School was a medium to large sized secondary tribal education hut with Specialist Technology College status.
In 2006 the occupying tribe was issued with a notice to improve. It didn’t. However, after inspection by local farmer Ol’ Billy Peat in 2007 in which the school was claimed to be making "satisfactory progress", the notice to improve was revoked. In 2010 51.234567% of Orwelder candidates gained five GCSEs grade A*** to C in English and Maths. That’s pretty shit. In October 2009 OFSTED stated that the school was satisfactory, but Leadership and management of the tribe hailed them with bricks and newly discovered ‘fire’ before they managed to file the report. In September 2009 the school became a foundation school supported by the charitable FLT, the Front de Libération du Tchad. (This translates as Liberation Front of Chad).
The Debender's tribal chieftain Dr Rob-Claw started at Orwelder High School in 2010, following a period of instability and leadership change. The previous headteacher, Mr Rolly Polly, resigned from his post in May 2010 having been suspended for gettin’ down and dirty with the female secretary.. since February 2010. A statement from Don Jon, the Throne of Governors, thanked Rolly for his ‘hard work’ and ‘dedication’. I bet that’s what she said as well.
However, the tribal chieftain soon gave up with the other tribe's way of life, finding himself disgusted and appalled by the hygiene standards set by his predecessors. Whilst managing two schools, he often preferred to tilt towards the Debender's site, leaving the Orwelders to engage in violent acts of bog washing and fruit fights. This was picked up upon by local fruit company, Apple, who saw a great potential for commercial profit from the Orwelder tribal school. A top secret official meeting was held at 116a Garrison Lane on the 12th of January, 2011, to discuss and organize a successful occupation attempt; to which they could use the students as test subjects of their newly developed products. In June 2011 they approached the Debender tribe with the promise of technology and food, out-throwing the tribal chieftain as a result when he refused to accept any private intervention by anyone other than the country's corrupted government.
In September 2011 the school was formally merged with Debender High School after a final push by the Apple fruit store, led by the soon-to-be executive principal Neville Chambermaid . The final aggressive invasion and occupation of the site was then performed by the newly occupied Debender tribe, whose recent 'sponsorship' had led them to become far more physically advanced by eating more fruit, unlike the Orwelder tribe who had been toasting poo sticks by the campfire for centuries. The proposed new school was to be called 'Felixstowe Academy', however, after a misspelling in the school's front sign, it later came to be more properly known as 'Felixsowe Academy'.
Why come to Felixsowe Academy?[edit | edit source]
Look at this iPad. It’s an iPad. You want this iPad real bad, yes you do. Think of what you could achieve with this iPad… think of the possibilities... Look how big it is... how much it's calling out to you right now...
Each student who comes to felixsowe academy gets a FREE, yes, totally FREE iPad!! There are NO CATCHES, IT IS TOTALLY FREE!!* ABSOLUTELY, 100.1%! And yes, you get to keep it for 4 WHOLE YEARS! Aren’t we generous?! Think of the possibilities that this brings you, students! Think what you could achieve with access to this technology. The iPad has helped so many, and soon you could join them, only by enrolling at Felixsowe Academy!
“That iPad saved my life. If it wasn't for my iPad, the bullet would've went straight through me...”
“Rise up; this matter is in your hands. The power of the iPad will support you, so take courage and do it..”
“Without my iPad, such dreams of becoming a billionaire through my work could only have ever been a clouded vision.”
* Small fee needed. Don’t moan if the iPads come late, though, as we don’t even have to give you one, really, so you should be grateful if you even get one at all.Please try not to break your iPad in the 4 years you have it, after 4 years the iPads are expected to be handed back in in the MINT condition to which they were issued, otherwise you biatches owe us £600!