User:Bizzeebeever/Articles/Adobe Flash

Adobe Flash (originally Macromedia Flash) describes a file format (usually identified by the ".swf" extension) that can contain animation, sound, video, interactive components, shell code exploits, and, occasionally, explosives. While no browsers support it natively, Adobe's Flash Plugin comes pre-installed on 99% of all Windows computers, along with seventy gigabytes of trial software and other absolutely-essential garbage. Flash-based video players are currently the default front-ends for YouTube, Hulu, Vimeo, and other online video-hosting sites, although some companies, including Google and Apple, are moving away from Flash in favor of shooting their users through the head, which most users agree is preferable to Flash. Apple's iPhone 3 (or 4?) and iPad shipped without Flash support entirely, because Flash is processor-intensive and murders your battery, and also because Adobe are kiddie-fiddlers. Currently, the Adobe Flash plugin is available for Windows XP through Windows 8, multiple Linux distributions, and even Mac OS X (Intel)--although as of the year 2009, Adobe has advised users of Mac OS X on the PowerPC architecture to fuck themselves with a cactus.

In the early days of Flash, it was favored for simple animations (and even games) because of its support for vector shapes and "tweening", which usually made for much smaller file sizes and higher quality than .gif animations. Also, its "interactivity!™" allowed Flash objects to seize the user's browser and threaten to rape his children in all their holes unless he clicked something, which was a very desirable feature. Flash's development platform, which was completely proprietary and cost a mere $500, had a very gradual learning curve. A 2006 Stanford study found at least several recorded instances of people without PhDs in computer science learning to use Macromedia Studio's basic features in under six years; furthermore, the study found a negligable link, at best, between use of Macromedia Studio and the onset of violent or murderous urges. At the time of the study's publication, Macromedia Studio had only been cited as a primary motivation in a statistically-negligable 3,000 suicides world-wide; however, the study noted that statistics for its implication in mass shootings and axe murders were not available.

Much of Flash's notoriety comes from its years as the preferred delivery method for Annoying the Goddamned Shit Out of You Enterprises, an Internet advertising and virus-delivery company operating out of Poughkeepsie, NY, and Lagos, Nigeria. Their most-successful placement, the "PUNCH THIS RANDOM SLUT AND WIN AN IPOD!" advertisement, made revolutionary use of a boxing-ring bell, which rang repeatedly at 2000% volume while the animation flashed through a series of 65,536 colors every 30 seconds. An estimated 20% of its viewers (about 22 million people, six cats, and an English sheepdog named Liverwurst) clicked it by accident while convulsing. It is estimated that the average Internet user has probably not seen it more than 1,000 times; it is also estimated that as many as 30% of persons recently diagnosed with epilepsy were diagnosed shortly after visiting pornography sites.

These days, the Adobe Flash Plugin is one of the two most popular delivery vectors for Windows exploits. There are, on average, 100 or so monthly security advisories for the Flash plugin, only 60% of which are labeled "severe". Adobe assures its users that of the 1 billion devices currently using an outdated version of Flash, only 100 million or so have actually been taken over remotely by Bulgarian identity thieves. The rest of them are simply biding their time.