User:Augustus/Bad advice

   You never have to outrun the vicious hungry dog, you just have to outrun your companion.

There are many different types of advice. Good Advice, bad advice, advice of average goodness, advice of average badness, average advice, advice advice and advice that advises against the whole area of advise in general. I have decided that my destiny in life is to give bad advice to as many people in the world as possible. This is not because Iam an evil person but more because I hate the world and I want everyone in it to die a slow and painful death. If you dont like receiving bad advice than I suggest you kill yourself. Anyway I think a Brief History of bad advice is in order just incase anyone reading is a Mormon and doesnt understand the concept of screwing someone over in the arse. I shall begin.

BAD ADVICE. A BREIF HISTORY

        The term "Bad advice" derives from the Latin term "I hate you, please eat yourself".

It was first discovered in the stone age when Ugo told Uugu that he should jump off a cliff to see if he could fly like the birds. Ugug fell to his death and Ugo threw some fecies off the cliff a week later in his honour. As was the tradition at the time. From that time forward Man spread bad advice amongst each other like thrush. Bad advice has been responsible for the death of billions of people ,including many famous and more important people. Such as Freddie Mercury who was told "drink this pint of aids" or JFK junior who was told "you should jump in front of that oncoming bullet". All in all bad advice is hilarious especially when its not you who is on the receiving end. Bad advice is not to be mixed up with good advice, both are completely different and if you cant see that you should smother yourslelf in your own boxers because your stupid and a crap person. Below is my guide to how you should live your life.

1. Do drugs, smoke and drink. All that stuff you hear about drugs in school are lies. Drugs are good for you. They increase your chances of being rich and they make god love you. Herion is a good way to meet new people and make lots of money. Sell herion to kids. If the police catch you, you can blame someone else. You will deffinatly get away with it. Take exctasy because it makes you feel better than everyone else and it increases your heart rate to a healty 190 beats per minute. Smoke dope because it makes you laugh more than you usually would and because it makes your enemies die. Do Cocaine because it makes your 12% safer from burglers and sexually transmitted diseases.

2: Kill yourself as much as possible. Lets face it life is bad. They say to kill yourself is the cowards way out but they only say that because they are afraid. Take time every evening to try kill yourself, its harder to do than you would think but try it anyway and you will get it right eventually. Killing yourself makes you more popular as has been proven by Legends such as Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix. Make sure to kill yourself in a warm environment and if you are considering cutting your wrists. Do it in the bath tub as it makes you loose blood faster.

3: Eat yourself. I have yet to see someone do this but its great advise none the less. Might I suggest starting with your feet, than your ankles and then your knees. Chances are you will have bled to death by now but that o.k. refer to No.2.

4: Have legs like crows feet and arms like Alan keys. Strap your dog to a pole and beat it with a wrench till it stops moaning. Then eat the carcass.

5: Kill your parents. Do it before they kill you. They will!!

6: Buy some guns and give them to gang members. Nothing brings a smile to an angry gang members face like an arsonal of weaponary. Just make sure you wear a Bullet proof vest in case they shoot you .... or no wait, dont bother . Refer to No.2.

7: Spend your week vegetated on the coach stuffing junk food into your mouth whilst watching those mind numbing, spirit crsuhing game shows. Be ashamed of yourself constantly and tell yourself that you hate yourself regularly.