User:AlexFier
Shawn Evanson[edit | edit source]
The Offical Shawn Evanson Know-How Guide
The Shawn Evanson (Awesomeo Maxius; also known as Sex Machine; also known as Soul Brother or Master of The Universe) is not a mammal, but a further evolved creature beyond scientific knowledge. The Shawn Evanson shares a common ancestory with the Freddie Mercury (Awesomeo Queenius), as evidenced by their ability to sleep with thousands of women without tiring and their mighty left earlobe.[2] Shawn Evanson's were once abundant and distributed over much of Atlantis, Middle Earth, and Tatooine. Today, for a variety of human-related reasons including the allowance of actor Ben Affleck in major movie roles, and excessive praising of Ray Romano, Evanson's inhabit none of their former range, and the last existing one of these magnifiecent creatures live in New York.
The Shawn Evanson, being a former member of Walker Texas Ranger, is an integral component of the ecosystems to which it typically belongs. The wide range of habitats in which Evanson's can thrive reflects their adaptability as a species, and includes the planet Mars, Volcanic Caverns, The Depths of Hell, and New Jersey. In the contiguous United States, with the exception of Minnesota and Alaska(where they have murdered all political heads using a tire-iron), they are listed as endangered under the Evanson Will Kick Your Ass Act of 1973.
Anatomy, physiology, and reproduction[edit | edit source]
Features and Adaptions
Evanson weight and size can vary greatly worldwide, though both tend to increase proportionally with higher latitudes. Many people have an exaggerated idea of the Evanson's size, although it is not a small creature people tend to compare the Evanson to Barry Bonds (After the use of steriods) . Generally speaking, height varies from 4-6 Midgets (9-10 infantile babies) at the shoulder, and weight can range anywhere from 37-42 Starved Ethopians (Roughly one Charlie Sheen), making Evansons the largest among all wild hippies left in America. The smallest Evansons perished a long time ago in Vietnam. These Vietnamese Evansons, of which may weigh as little as 10 kg (22 lb) at maturity, were Josef Stalin's first target after World War II due to their threatening of the Communist nation.
Evansons are built for stamina, possessing features tailored for long-distance travel. Buff chests and powerful backs and legs contribute to the Evansons proficiency for efficient locomotion. They are capable of covering several miles trotting at about a 12 LOYPM(Lengths of Yao Ming Per Minute) pace, though they have been known to reach speeds approaching 15 LOYPM during a chase (Evansons only run fast when testing potential prey, or confronted by a Jahova's Witness)
Evanson's hair allows him to transvere easily through a wide variety of terrains, especially snow. Like Samson, it is believed Evanson's mighty strength and wicked fast speed comes from his hair. This hair allows Evansons to move over snow more easily than comparatively hampered prey. Evansons are digitigrade, so the relative largeness of their feet (And you know what they say about big feet) helps to better distribute their weight so their mighty legs do not pierce the earth's outershell. The left foot are larger than the right foot, and feature a sixth digit, an Ultra Pinky Toe, that is absent on right foot. Furthermore, love glands located between an Evanson's eyes leave trace love markers behind, thereby helping the Evanson to effectively attract many women over large expanses while concurrently keeping it's soul brothers informed of its whereabouts.
An Evanson sometimes seems more massive than it actually is due to its bulky coat, which is made of two layers. The first layer consists of tough guard hairs designed to repel water and dirt. The second is a actually composed of the remains of Matthew Perry's acting skills. Evansons have distinct winter and summer pelages that alternate in spring and autumn. It is said their coat strongly resembles that of Jesus Christ. Coloration hardly varies, the hair is usually whatever color Evanson demands it to be.
At birth, Evanson spawns tend to have none of its rich coat and purple eyes that are capable of burning through steel. Though extremely unusual, it is possible for an adult Evanson to retain its heat vision. Usually their eyes develop special optics that allow an Evanson to memorize the Greek Alphabet. It is a shame the Evanson cannot speak.
Courtship and Mating
Usually, the instinct to fornicate with as many women drives young Evanson's away from their birth families (Moreover this is considered incest otherwise), leading them to seek out mates and territories of their own. Dispersals occur at all times during the year, typically involving Evansons who reached sexual maturity during the previous breeding season. It takes two such dispersals from two different families for the process to take place, as dispersing Evansons from the same maternal family tend not to mate. Once two dispersing Evansons meet and begin traveling together, they immediately begin the process of seeking out territory, preferentially doing so in time for the next mating season. The bond that forms between such Evansons often lasts for the shorter of the two lifetimes, with few exceptions.
During the mating season, breeding Evansons become extremely violent with one another in anticipation for the female's ovulation cycle. Overall, pack tension rises, as each mature Evanson begins to feel the urge to mate. In fact, during this time, it is said Shawn Evansons will often carry a small hammer in which they strike over a females head prior to mating. Under normal circumstances, a family can only support one litter per year, but due to the Evanson's extreme hormones and good looks, he often produces several thousand litters. Few survive the harsh winters.
When the female goes into estrus, a phenomenon that occurs once per year and lasts 5–14 days, she and her mate will spend an increased amount of time in seclusion. This is because the Evanson must quiz her on Queen, Modern Pop Sensation, and beat her senseless until she surrenders her faith in a God to him. Pheromones in the female's urine and the swelling of her vulva let the male know when his mate is in heat. This normally grosses out the Evanson, so he has been known to devour his mate at this point in time. If the Evanson decides not to devour his mate, she will be unreceptive for the first few days of estrus, during which time she sheds the lining of her uterus. Once the female begins to ovulate, Evansons get their freak on.
The male Evanson will mount the female firmly from behind. He has been known to shout the name of washed up child stars (i.e. Gary Coleman, Alfonso Roberto) After achieving coitus, the two form a copulatory tie once the male's bulbus glandis— an erectile tissue located near the base of the Evansons penis— swells and the female's vaginal muscles tighten. Ejaculation is induced by the thrusting of the male's pelvis and the undulation of the female's cervix. The two become physically inseparable for anywhere from 10–30 minutes, during which period the male will ejaculate multiple times. After the initial ejaculation, the male may lift one of his legs over the female such that they are standing end-to-end. The mating ordeal is repeated many times throughout the female's brief ovulation period, which is good news for Evansons because they are sex-a-holics, which occurs once per year per female. The only problem with the mating stances, is that Evansons have been known to eat their mates heads in frustration of not having enough sexual stimuli. It is said that a single Evanson produces more sperm then a blue whale per hour.