User:Aleister/Halloween Yoga Bar

Come dressed in comfortable Halloween clothing so you can do your asanas with ease.

When you want to totally relax in a setting that caters to your lifestyle of Halloween haunty mixed with a large dash of yogaic cheer, where do you go? To Rachael and Karen's Halloween Yoga Juice Bar at the corner of Pranayama and Werewolf in beautiful downtown Eugene, Oregon. The menu of multi-level-fruit-shakes topped with yummy nutritional yeast, delightfully served with such tasty tidbits as skeleton-shaped organic muffins - your name artfully written in icing across the top on a piece of soy-bone captures the beautiful soul and demonic spirit of the "Womb, Bloom, and Tomb Room", as the regulars call it.

Whole-grain cruncy candied cornbread is served at every cushion, crypt, and couch. Tarot card readers, astologers, and the men with the caved-in chests and long ears who play with ouija boards are often lost in conversation, rubbing elbows with the rich and famous who come by to kill or increase the buzz. Nearby, darling tinkerbell-like women circulate around the room taking juice orders and expertly working on the negative decision-making effects of patrons' early childhood traumas Belly dancers and belly witches entertain the crowd with chants, finger cymbals, cries to Goddess and loose hip, thigh, and spine bones. You may even see a friend or four across the room wearing masks of deranged politicians or erotic animals while relaxing with a smiling hooker full of pazazz and verve and a smoking hookah full of the finest herb. People sing, dance, burn incense, and scream randomly as they honor the sun and the moon throughout the edgy subdued spiritually charged dimly lit eerily calm and peacefully scary atmosphere within the apricot, pink, black, orange, and jellyfish painted walls of the juice bar.

Where did this blessed monstrosity come from?

The Halloween Yoga Juice Bar was the brainchild of a pair of spry nymphs named Rachael and Karen who, while dressed in halloween costumes - some of them by designer artists - and living the life of druidic spirits, practiced and taught a brand of raja yoga which combined the better aspects of kabbalah, scientology, "I Love Lucy"ism, and discordianism. Addicted to sunlight, moonglow, and sage, Rachael and Karen rode their brooms in the proper direction and for the desired time. Listening to no one but their own inner knowing and a few stanzas of the whiffinpoof song, they applied for permits to shriek at will on public thoroughfares and turn into goats whenever anyone noticed and approached with intent. Once freeing themselves of all inhibitions and most daily arrangements, they then threw caution to the wind just to see where it would land and who grabbed it up like a security blanket. On one of those days, when it came time to open an establishment for the gathering of the likeminded, Rachael and Karen hesitated nary a second in the creation of the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar.

Your calmly haunted friends!

"Eeny meeny miny mo, catch an otherly-abled vegan pagan lesbian of color by the toe. If she hollers let her go (let her go for a thai back massage and an upper-colon cleansing!), eeny meeny miny mo" reads the old wooden aztec lettering on the old wooden sign hanging above the old wooden door to the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar. The Juice Bar sign makes everyone feel welcome, like they're a member of a loving and sharing community, like a blonde puppy in a bonded pack of bloodthirsty vamp puppies. People greet the regulars with shouts of "Namaste!" and "Boo!" while warning newcomers "Fasten your seatbelts!"

Once inside they can fill their pockets with newly dug grave soil complete with arrowheads, buttons, and posies, and mix it with holy incense blessed by the likes of Baba Ram Dass, Swami Satchidananda, and Swami Rama, bless their hearts (which are kept in mason jars near the kitchen). Patrons glance upon walls that have "fake" arms, spines, and heads ghoulishly twisting on spikes, a renowned artistic and scientific exhibit of the more advanced hatha yoga positions in which scarred and rigid muscle is coming back to its natural state through stretching, mentally spotting tight muscles, and learning to clench and relax every muscle in the body at will in tandems of two or groups (tighten and relax the left calf and right forearm muscles and other pairs a pair can think up).

A night of lovin' at the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar

The spine's importance in hatha yoga is illustrated by Fred and Ethel here, two former patrons who now hang around near their favorite yoga mats and massage table. See how they can stretch their lumbars? "You're as young as your spine stretches", yogis say, teach, and practice, and Fred and Ethel are ageless!

There is a tale twice told of the night when a young woman who walked into the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar one Halloween Night, just looking for a either a listening or a decapitated ear. She said her name was Mary, and she claimed to have lost her power coat and her magic slippers. Hippies, ghouls, and teens dressed as either fireman or Harry Potter circled around Mary, some trying to tell her how much water to drink to loosen up the spine, others trying to cop a feel. Mary loved them all, and they hugged her, and everyone laughed and smoked their funny smelling cigarettes until dawn, when Mary suddenly was gone! The others looked all over the Juice Bar, under and over everything, but couldn't find her worth a damn.

On their way home two of the hippies and one of the ghouls stopped in their tracks. There, laying atop a tombstone in the local cemetery, were a pressed and folded power coat, a pair of magic slippers, a little lamb, and a halloween-candy bag full of health bars and exotic East Indian seasonings. The tombstone was inscribed "Mary Hummingbyrd - Loving Friend, Beatnik, and Hippie 1942-1968". The hippies screamed and ran like hell while the ghoul knelt down and prayed for her soul.

Do you have change for a rainbow, mister?

Sometimes someone will wander into the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar looking for a shot and a beer, not knowing what they are getting themselves into. They leave hours later, their unhealthy shit scared out of them during a high colonic, their body massaged, rolfed, alexandered and feldenkraised, their hair and skin turned white from fright and scaling, and their life both prolonged by what they've learned and shortened by the effect of spiders and full-size Frankenstein monsters jumping out at them at odd angles as they make their way to the bathroom.

The back room

Rachael and Karen have a wonderful little secret, and it's a secret which you really want to get in on. If you are a long-time visitor to their Juice Bar, or are someone they recognizes on first glance as "there" already, one day you'll be taken by the hand and led through the kitchen to a door you've never seen before. The shining and naturally sanitized black door to the back room of the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar is about to open.

Creeeeeeeekkkkkkk (the door kind of creaks like in a haunty house, or with that sound a spine makes loosening up).

You immediately spot the raven with deadlocks above the mantlepiece of the walk-in fireplace. Lighting your incense burner and candlestand you see past the raven to the little swami guy sitting next to it. "Hello," the little man says. "Nevermore" says the raven.

Do you have a problem picking up teddy bears? Then stay away from this room, frontal lobe nonewithstanding, because the fur of Teddy Bears lines the walls two inches thick. The floor - an ancient oak and bone mix - waffs the scent of poppies, pumpkins, and sandlewood from every square inch.

Namaste! Boo!

"I'll have a carrot juice with a splash of unicorn horn please."

The Halloween Yoga Juice Bar opens with the dawn ceremony, and shuts down sometime after midnight, most evenings the loving and intelligent werewolves howling for last call around 1. So please tell everyone to come by, lay down their inappropriate decision, judging, and belief patterns and their dry bones, and join a crowd of celebrants and adepts to howl at the moon while getting expertly tantrad in the luxury of the Halloween Yoga Juice Bar's backyard patio/sweatlodge/drip-pit.

Be sure to leave a nice tip for your waitress - or else. If she or he is not glowing with happiness about your tip, before you know it and right then and there in front of your eyes the staff may gather as one and pretend to tear out your heart, spine, and neck, and/or expertly massage them!

Relaxed muscles on a skeletal foot notes

<references>

Gandhi protects this article!

Vandalism will result in you being Yoga Blasted!