University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus

The University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus is an overseas campus of the University of Nottingham (intended for confusion when making a bank draft to pay your fees). Unlike The University of Nottingham in Nottingham, the Malaysia campus is not a public institution, and that is why the fees charged is astronomical.

Situated in the heart of darkness, more than three hundred thousand centimeters (a.k.a 3 km) from the village of Semenyih (real name yo), the new campus is built in the middle of nowhere (or somewhere in an oil palm plantation), and was launched in 2005(as a missile). The first batch of students in this new campus were the ones to suffer the worst(with the fallout and radiation). Also, this plot of land is known to be haunted as it was long ago the site of atrocious killings and also used as a japanese cemetery.

Earlier than August 2005, and after 2001, all academic activities took place in a rented building in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, which wasn't a very impressive campus, but at least offered living among civilization.

History

The University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus was the first purpose-built international campus other than the main UK campus. Purpose mainly is to suck students blood dry and commit daylight robbery on the parents. Officially starting in 2005 and costing no less than 120 million Ringgit Malaysia, this world-class facility is committed to producing UK standard graduates with international backgrounds in a "truly" Asian environment. Unfortunately, what they didn't realize was that our currency is 5 times smaller to UK currency, so charging the same amount as UK pounds would only produce beggars. The University started with only a couple of hundred students but currently has over 5000 students/suckers. Our sister university is The University of Malaysia, Nottingham Campus.

Facilities

Accommodation

Five accommodation halls misleadingly named after the famous beach islands of Malaysia namely Tioman, Langkawi, Redang, Pangkor and Kapas (yeah I know..cotton? *rolls eyes*) on one end of the campus, is where the new students are allowed to stay. Others have to live in the haunted and abandoned residential areas nearby, namely TTS2, TTS3, TTS4, TTS5, and unbelievably TTS6. The lucky ones (car owners) prefer to stay in Bandar Sunway Semenyih, about 15 minutes drive from the campus, provided that you are able to escape the perils of driving in Semenyih roads, but we’ll get to that later. With so many restaurants nearby, these lucky souls don’t have to rely on the cafeteria’s sorry excuse of outsourcing the cooking to foreign cooks. Accommodation is managed by Pioneer (also called Dracula) Century, which is a true Pioneer in overpricing. (Others stay in unknown tears in space called Pelangi, Bandar Rinching, Semenyih Central or Planet Hollywood).???

On Campus Rooms

Each hall offers fully "furnished" (vandalized) bedrooms with an Internet point in every room. (Internet connection is available at a separate cost, which most can't afford). Accommodation fees range from approximately RM330 to RM600(!!!) per month, including electricity and water bills. The rental rates are as follows:

• Single Ensuite Bathroom with air-conditioning @ RM625 (For students with too much money or has absolutely disgusting bathroom habits)
• Single Shared Ensuite Bathroom @ RM465 (The lucky ones who have money)
• Single Shared Bathroom @ RM 435 (The ideal room, but hardly ever available)
• Twin Share in 6 Bedroom Flat @ RM410 (The less ideal room, but still bearable)
• Four Shared Bedroom @ RM355 (OMG...sleep on roadside better lah, brother......)

The halls are on a self-catering basis. Crockery, cutlery and pans are provided for light cooking, but to guarantee personal health, well-being and hygiene, it is recommended that you eat off the floor. Remember this is a HALAL campus, so no pet pigs are allowed.

Off Campus Rooms

Each house is fully "furnished" with curtains, furniture, kitchen utensils and a TV (Whether the TV is working or even exist is not guaranteed). A gas tank is also available whereby students will have to pay for their own gas for committing suicide. Voice and Internet connection is available at a separate cost, which most can't afford.

Rooms rates vary from area to area, pricing start from the most expensive

Premium Room @ Edu Scare (Ensuite bathroom) 26 m2-35m2 @ RM850 per student (RM450 per student if you wanna get romantic with someone. 'hint hint')

to the cheapest: Single room @ TTS2 (Downstairs), common bathroom, non air-conditioned @ RM330 per student

Edu Scare

Starting from September 2008, Edu Scare was opened to students. It's known as Edu Scare because the rental rates and the size of spiders found in rooms will scare every sane person away. Although Edu Scare is in TTS5, you would have to cross a bridge full of fishermen to get to the university and this is the biggest disadvantage of staying there. The bridge is called 'The Bridge of Sighs', which has the same name as the one in University of Cambridge and University of Oxford. This is so because the management is trying to emulate Oxford and Cambridge in every way. The management probably figured that a good British university should have a 'Bridge of Sighs'. They might even turn Nottingham University into a collegiate university one day(Orange College,Blue College, Red College,Yellow College,Purple College etc.) - Again, like Oxford and Cambridge.

There is "security" provided which includes patrolling, unless a robbery is taking place. The guards will play loud music at night (after 2AM) to ensure that every student in the area is entertained. They will also call their friends and friends of friends and friends of friends of friends to party at the guard house. Due to the fact that guards are always partying, thieves get their chance to rob some laptops and panties in Edu Scare. These panties will be found defiled, a few days later.That's history and the good news now is a new team of security guards can be seen guarding EDU SQUARE AND TTS 7,TTS 5.

Lately as of September 2011 new security team has taken over the guarding services,well behaved ,disciplined Gurkhas and locals guards spotting white uniforms and a cowboy headress.Led by Capt Kumar they also guard the new TTS 7 SEMI-D houses,they patrol hourly in TTS 7 and TTS 5. A white Pajero 4WD is their patroling vehicle.Wish Capt Kumar and Co all the very best.

Computer Labs

Also known as TISCRAs 1, 2, 3 and ISCRAs 1, 2 and 3 (Again with the weird codes!) ,we have full of state-of-the-art computers with 17" LCD monitors, which takes only 10 minutes to log in, sometimes 20! And only the basic features are disabled, like P2P(note that if you try to go to a p2p website, you would be considered hacking), instant messaging on the desktop, YouTube-ing and so on. The alleged speed of the connection is 1Mbps (really meh?), but few have witnessed it, it's more like speed 1Mbps shared between the few hundred computers in the IT Center, which strangely have weird codes, like TR3010, when we don’t even have 3000 computers combined in the whole of campus. Or Semenyih for that matter. LOL?

Legend has it that there's only one guy in the University so far that hijacked the computer in such a way where he/she can login using his/her account name in less than 10seconds... And he can friggin store stuffs in it! (Make that two people...:hint:) Guess that's what you call a Nottingham student. The dark side of IT centre is torrenting, it is not impossible, but damn hard to do.

Some legitimate adult content websites are blocked. Even the Holy Ground of Uncyclopedia is marked as an Adult Content Website. (not anymore apparently) However, a certain known adult website is available *wink* which is used as a prank on innocent students who leave their computers logged on when they go to the toilet in the midst of camping overnight for his unfinished lab report or assignment.

According to a lecturer, "The IT people don't use their time to work on their lagging systems or inefficient online resources but instead, spend the whole day blocking sites and making the students/staffs lives miserable".

Sports Centre

Consists of a 5 basketball / futsal / volleyball / cricket / sepak takraw / netball / paintball / skiing / (I think you get the idea) courts, a football pitch (neverrrrr ready for use), 2 badminton courts (which are always fully booked) and a kiddie swimming pool (5 ft max). 2 squash courts (1 working) and 2 brand new tennis courts.

According to the facilitator: "Do you want this place to be a decent sports center? Maybe when your kids are studying here" lah"

Ali Kader

Sport Officer, brand new.

Gym

The gym is situated in the Sports centre. We have 2 gym rooms with all kinds of equipments, including weights, benches, treadmills, stair steppers, that bicycle thingy, punching bag(doll) etc. Sadly almost all of them are labeled “broken” or "Crippled" so we pretty much just have the weights and treadmills, or go there just to pump/sit up 1000000 times then go back home. Most of the time it is filled with muscular man around showing off their muscle and packs, and trying to seek girls (or even shemales when they are desperate OMFG!)

Swimming Pool

The most important equation that every horny male should know about the pool is : thursday + 5pm - 7pm = Babes with swimsuits (a.k.a Guys Mathematical equation to see boobs and asses.) Regarding the pool's depth, unless you are one of the seven snow white dwarfs or a leprechaun like hornswoggle, you will not and I repeat NOT get drowned. If you are lucky, you might even swallow some semen when you swim.

Central Administration

The only building that actually looks nice, with a nice toilet seats to boot. All other buildings seem to have come out of an abstract painting. There’s a cafe on the ground floor and it's called Notting Hill Cafe. This cafe serves Indian/South Asian cuisine.

There's also a rumour stating that a new McDonald's branch will replace the clock tower, but many doubt so. It might even start a protest as there would be no more places for couples to get some privacy... (Hint: If you see the clock tower a rockin', don't come in a knockin' *wink wink*)

Faculty Buildings

Labelled with colours red, blue, orange and purple (well at least its not called Mars or Neptune or some silly name like Dove or Don Freaky Ninny), they represent the faculty buildings for every school. For instance the engineering lecturers can be found in the Blue building, the engineering labs are in the Red building, and the engineering computer lab is in the Purple building (wait I’m starting to see a trend here), which leaves the business school students with nowhere else to roam besides the Orange building.

Library

The highest floor is the faculty of education and english. Below it is the engineering/science books floor. The ground floor is the socials science/business books floor. There's also an 'underground' reading floor. Enough said.

Student Administration

Called so because Unions are banned in Malaysia (citation needed). This building has, on the ground floor, the cafeteria, in-convenience store (Pioneer 'dracula' century comrades), the coffee shop(gone), hair dressing saloon(gone), and the traditional overpriced bookstore, which you have to wade through the piles of un-shelved books which are still in boxes to explore. On the first floor is the TV room (better known as sleeping room sometimes, or SAUNA during football matches), 3 pool tables (momentarily free) with ONE cue stick each table, 2 foosball tables with some missing "foosballers", a brand spanking new dance studio, a music room (which is basically an empty room partitioned with very thin walls), a meeting room with broken chairs and un-cushioned sofas lying around, and the offices of the Student Administration, and a big empty space filled with lots and lots of tables and chairs (Riddle: What is a place to keep lots of tables and chairs but is not a store). Apart from that, there is also a security office where its main function is to be a pendrive bin where mosts lost/stolen pendrives are collected here to rot. There is also the careers office (which nobody visits unless they are about to graduate or looking for a summer job)

The Student Association, otherwise known as the SA has become that of a warzone. It is quite possibly the only place in the world where people love to congregate but at the same time, avoid. Moreover, people here at the SA hate seeing each other. It is known knowledge that students here actually pretend to not see each other for the sole benefit of not enacting a conversation, exchanging homosexual handshakes and putting on that age old plastic smile for the bitch who backstabbed you last week but you can't give a shit because that girl probably made her way into your friends' circles. The segregation of students in this University is phenomenal. The odds of finding a multi-racial group of people sitting at a table are gargantuan. Although not considered a racist University, racism and prejudice is ubiquitous yet indirect here in this University.

Cafeteria and Coffee Shop

The cafeteria is divided into four main parts, the Buffet, the Western, the Indian/Chinese, and the Drinks section. The buffet menu is chicken, beef, fish, rice and vegetarian dishes. Leftovers are recycled and re-cooked the next morning (especially the fish). The Western has some weird food, like egg burgers, sausage eggs, and chicken burgers. (Retards, do they even call that western? The foreign students are having a ball of a time insulting us!) The Indian stall sells Roti Canai (also known as Prata), roti egg, roti butter, roti sardin roti onion, roti sugar, and roti. The roti canai is said to be the best food in the cafeteria. Other than that they also sell chicken rice, which is set to rival the famous “kai-fan” in Semenyih town (Read: sarcasm). The drinks stall is the one which makes most money, by selling fruit flavoured water. They will charge 15% more for NOT adding ice, and for bestowing you the favour of a plastic cup, also for takeaways. Canned drinks are also sold for more than the usual price. Once in a while, in the evening, if you're lucky, you might catch a few rats running around. The coffee shop, is, for some reason, named Sunbucks (sounds familiar don’t you think?).

There's also a Mak Cik that sells great curry and sardine puffs upstairs near the dance studio (gone). And a secret Pak Cik selling other interesting stuff around campus.

Toilets for the Challenged

The word 'disabled' is politically incorrect, and as such is omitted from this article. You can only use challenged.

It's always empty and wide and unused. *Oh rly? Apparently there are so many challenged people that keep going in and out for god knows what reason, heck, even the Security Guards use it to wash their cups there. But it really depends on the definition of the term 'challenged'. Debate is still going on in the law school until the buffaloes in Broga come home but not much progress has been achieved so far.

Toilets (for the Unchallenged)

Toilets come in different colours. Depending on one's mood, one can choose to go the type (of colour) they like to get their job done swiftly. Environmentalist people prefer to go to the "GREEN" toilet in the "GREEN" building just because its GREENER and safe for the environment. Most students are aware that there are free gifts(toilet paper) in the toilets. Once upon a time (sept/oct 2008), a jack ass decided to be so selfish and take it all for him/herself. Unfortunately the jack ass was caught because trails of shit left behind. News on the incident was emailed to every student just to informs that the free gifts are still available for grabs.

Parking Lot

As you might have already known, the campus is built in between some hills. With lots of greenery and flora and fauna (ducks to be specific), we never have enough space to accommodate our cars. Usually students have to result to park their vehicles along the side of the road, which in turn turns it into a one way road, where accidents are bound to happen in turnings and turns, in which students take turns to turn their cars around (Refer to accidents). The double-yellow lines are always off limits to cars. Failure to do so will result in your car being clamped by the security guards. The fact that they’re not enough clamps to go around means that it will certainly be your unlucky day if you see your car being clamped. Or if your car happens to be yellow then you can take some time to gaze in awe of the matching colours. Or if your car happens to be a yellow sports car then you can ask your friend to take a picture of you trying to pull it off. Or if you happen to know the Head of Security you can just go up to him and ask for your car to be de-clamped. I wonder if there's enough space to drift around.

• As of September 2008, those staying On Campus are NOT allowed to bring their cars to the university. Therefore, it is recommended that you park your car outside the university (somewhere is Semenyih or Broga would be good), in the lake, on top of the clock tower, walk or use the shuttle service (walking might be faster).

Bramcote Door

Little is known about the Bramcote Door or where it leads to. The whereabouts is unknown and the university administration has denied the existence of such a door. Anyone with any information pertaining to the door is REQUIRED BY UNIVERSITY REGULATIONS to report it to the Provost.

People

The university is quite international with Indians, Malaysians, Chinese, Malaysians, Japanese(AV), Malaysians, Sri Lankans, Malaysians, Indonesians, Malaysians, Pakistanis, Malaysians, Brits, Malaysians, Thais, Malaysians, Cambodians, Malaysians, Arabs, Qatarians, Malaysians , Mauritians , Malaysians, Koreans, Malaysians, Kiasu-landers (Singaporeans), Kazakhs, Malaysians, Uzbeks, Malaysians, Turkish, Malaysians, aliens, zombies, tramps, vagabonds, bohemians, naturists, weirdos, cosplayers, ecchi, otaku, NEETs, neko-mimi, refugees, and even beliebers (O_o), etc...

Lecturers/Professors

Don't get me started on this. Alright I'll elaborate on it a bit. Overall the lecturers are quite OKAY? since mosts of them have a PhD(Permanent Head Damage or even worse, Penis Hanging Down). However, there are some lecturers who can't even speak good English (I wonder if they passed their IELTS...). There is a particular Russian mobster-turned-lecturer whose lectures can send you to dreamland and another whose lectures are paced faster than Mach 3 (Ms. Thong?). Another amusing fact is that some lecturers undergo surgery to have a build-in speaker from their throat, so basically they'll come into the lecture hall, plug off the microphone, and start talking (shouting). Lecturers won't answer your questions because you are here to learn, not be "spoon-fed like children". Most of the lecturers, if not all, don't have enough knowledge to actually teach their subjects. When correcting exams, lecturers first look at your final answer. If it is wrong or deviates a bit from his/her "ideal answer", you get a zero. If it is right and conforms to his/her majesty's standards, he/she starts correcting your working. If your working is different from what he does, you get a zero, mainly because he/she know only one way to solve the question. So getting an A from a 70% is far from easy. If you are an international student, know that you are dead meat. RAs (research assistants, or people with absolutely no knowledge studying for their PhDs) will discriminate against you while correcting your lab reports and assignments. Discrimination is mainly based upon the sounding for your name: if your name sounds like the sound produced when a coin hits the floor (Ching, Chang, Yong, BANG, etc.), you have guaranteed an A. If your names hints at you being an Arab, you can kiss the A good bye. No wonder the top scoring students in every class are always Chinese.

Legends

There are many legends that had graduated from this veritable pillar of obfuscatability. Among them, there was one known as the "Drift King" circa 2005-2008. His Royalty-ness once spun a "Brick" into a ditch on the side of the uni by the wood factory. By the great Chtlutu's guidance, he had missed the monsoon drain by a large margin, but destroying the car, in His eyes. the car was then sold off to a local Semenyite and resurrected as a zombie car. His legend was attempted to be emulated by many others, but never as wasteful considering that the "Brick" was only used in semenyih for a day. His compatriots once ditched a Perodua Myvi as well as a Toyota Camry but never reached DK's level due to the fact that DK's car was FR and the wannabe's was FF. Many a legend of DK's "Silver Bullet" cruising down Jalan Broga can still be heard... the rumble of the cars six cylinder exhaust, though broken, sonorously filled the midnight air, not to mention the Eurodance/ techno blaring from his speakers. It is said that the anime Wangan Midnight had culminated from the DK's thoughts, and then was sent back into time, into the mangaka of "wangan Midnight", black Porsche and all. Even after graduating the Drift King still made legends... the silver bullet was impounded because it was parked in a VIP spot. the Impounding device was then disassembled and sunk with the fishes into the lake, mob style. The silver bullet is now out of the DK's possesion, and DK is nowhere on the Penile-sular. rumour has it, He appears whenever his devotees clamour for his blessings before entering a particularly dark corner on Jalan Broga. His record on Jalan Broga was 170Km/h in a fellow deity's WRX.

There are many other legends, and many types of vehicles too...they have just to be told.

Members of Students Association

This is pretty much a secret cult where they hold weekly meetings to recharge. To recharge means to take their weeks' dosage of a special type of narcotics. The main effect of the narcotics is boost confidence. The main signs of these members are loud speaking, dead eyes, big smile and bitchy ass(trust me, you will know when you see it).

The guys and girls of UNMC

About the guys

The men at The University of Nottingham consider themselves studs of all sorts, which is a delusion. Of course, you'll find the occasional good looking ones (overstatement) but don't get too excited, they aren't very well endowed. When they are not rating girls, they like walking around dressed like clowns and asking each other 'What's the scene?' (just around 50 times a day, nothing you can't keep up with). The guys also sit in circles at the SA for hours, trying their best not to look unemployed, while they discuss how shitfaced they got at a random house party 2 years back, although they will remember the minute details, or pretty much everything that happened that night. Their lack of action in the bedroom doesn't stop them from claiming that they have slept with every girl that happens to smile at them, or more likely, at the person behind them. However, the handful who do manage to hook up could be easily spotted strutting their stuff like CK underwear models for the rest of their lives.

The Women of UNMC

The women of UNMC come in different shapes and sizes, ranging from East to West and hailing from just about every nation one would expect an international university to be comprised of. The fact is, the women here just don't cut it. They're ugly, atrocious, ferocious, vile, nonsensical, infanticidal, capricious, pernicious, squalid and resemble what one would envisage a friday night's post-clubbing vomital remnants would appear to look like. Moreover, the chicks of this University are well rumored to actually all be borderline literates. The rampant behavior and diction used by these strident women have caused uproar among the literate men of the college, frustrated at the blatant fact that, there are just no pretty women around. Given, there is the occasional decent looking hottie hailing from the United Kingdom but everybody knows that relationships with these creatures are fruitless, unless one were to plead for fellatio. Such a temporary enslavement to these comical entities (women) would promise unthinkable and immeasurable dissatisfaction, tantamount to the notion of buying a Civic, when one could instead purchase a Lotus. Why settle for less? Because less is more at UNMC. Withholding the ugliest yet freshest virgins to be found in the South East Asia, any frustrated male dying to land some fresh cunt would be undeniable disappointed.

Surroundings

Built in the rain forest near the allegedly haunted and abandoned residential area of TTS - Taman Tasik Semenyih, on Jalan Broga (Broga Road), between Semenyih and Broga. The single lane "highway" which snakes its way through the forest is unlit, and uninhabited. One of the thrills of living here is returning to the campus at night. Pioneer Century aims to inhabit these places again, by making students live in these areas and building new accommodation halls. Hence every year you'd see new neighbours! Yay! If you like pubescent retards that is.

Semenyih Town

If you're lucky enough to avoid the herd of buffaloes passing through Jalan Broga everyday (imagine the shock from 1st timers when they are confronted with a herd of huge buffaloes going against traffic! What an experience for city folks. But the buffaloes have since gone grazing else where), rendering their faeces on the path, making daily forays to town a "slippery" affair. THEN you'll reach Semenyih, a small town which caters to the basic necessities of life, banks, food, shopping, etc well enough. Pelangi Semenyih has a number of fast food outlets such as KFC (3 freaking branches!), McDonald's and Pizza Hut. There's also Secret Recipe and Old Town White Coffee (in Tesco).

One thing Semenyih has in abundance is car modding shops (why's that, yeah?) and restaurants. Ibrahim 'the Hi-Tech' Maju is actually good.

Broga Village

A nearby village along Jalan Broga which is noted for it's curry pan noodles (Pan Mee), chinese Restaurants (e.g. Jia Xiang) and traditional chinese groceries stores. There is also a police station there.

Kajang

Kajang, a town about 8km from Semenyih and 13 from the campus, is the nearest place with a KTM Komuter (train) station. If you miss the bus from there, you need to pay 25 bucks just to get to the Campus. The taxi drivers, conveniently, dont have meters installed, so they can fix the price. And our job as students is to try as hard as possible not to give them any business so they will lower the rate.

Cheras

A very Cheena place which is surprisingly close to semenyih, after you pass Sg. Long that is. Good for two things, the pasar malam (night market) and the Mall in Cheras selatan ( actually in Balakong, but no glamour le) there you'd have the basic necessities like Starbucks, McDonald's and the what-not most bimbos like to do.

Social Life

When students or fellow residents decide to go on a date, where else they go but the most happening and hype place in town: FAJAR (The Store now) or FOREST BAR (closed as of 2008 due to some 'incidents involving murder'). UPDATE as of 2013: These places do not exist anymore, social life is also non-existent.

Shopping

Instead of comparing the lastest seasons of Gucci or Prada, students are (inevitably) trained to compare prices of Econsave, Fajar (The Store), Mydin and Billion.

"Eh u know ah, milk in Fajar is cheaper, although fresh food in Econsave is cheaper. But then Econsave so dirty. Billion damn far leh....etc etc"

Annual Events

Mr and Miss Nottingham

A time of year which guys and girls to sorta stand out for the year as being so called Mr and Miss popular. Well its no where near what they call Miss Nottingham back in the original land of the queen but its more like a beauty pageant with its little twirks here and there to spice it up every year. Nominations are scarce as people realize that most of the time instead of shooting yourself to popularity, you would actually fall flat on your face due to humiliation. So, take part at your own risk.