Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/They're coming to take me away
They're coming to take me away[edit source]
I realize that using a single form of humor (in this case, absurdism) can be repetative and, in some cases, stupid, but I think that it's such a long, meandering stream of random that by the time you get near the end it's actually pretty funny. Yes, that means you have to read (or skim through) the whole thing to really get it. He's not crazy, although he is slowly decending into insanity. See where I'm going with it?
Anywho, this is my first Uncyclopedia article, so please be kind. | - F N M - | | - B a n a n a ? - | 22:27, 10 February 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3 | OK, this is all about paranoia ... maybe. Another conspiracy article I guess. Well, it starts good IMO and it could make you want to read it, but it just doesn't right now. It's random and absurd - that can be a good thing, but it's too much of it and it's mostly not even funny. I'm already talking about a rewrite of the article, you see. There's potential here, so I gave you a 3 on Humor. |
| Concept: | 8 | What I was thinking of when reading it was that it would be great to discover more and more about "his/her" theories on escaping "them". I liked that part where it starts like a journal (February, March). Just try to cut down all the unnecessary parts (there's a lot!) and be generous when it comes to cutting large sections for the sake of the concept. The main idea behind it is promising so I'll give you 8 points on this, though the realization is weak at the moment. |
| Prose and formatting: | 2 | Sorry, but the Formatting is horrible. Right now, it makes me wanna run away. Stop, using, commas, like, that,,, quit maniacally hammering on your keyboard ( jlkdjg and so forth, NOT funny) and misusing Italic, bold and CAPS LOCK text like that is gross. After eliminating the parts you can obviously spare, add plenty, well-placed paragraphs. Take Featured Articles as a reference on how to do so. It should look alright in order to make you read it. And, please, get rid of those "Copy & Paste"-demons: HIK HIK ; THEREHI THEREHI ; QUICKLY NOW SLIDE DASH ; etc. - they're not funny, just annoying. |
| Images: | 1 | The images don't work. At all. Especially that Tony Blair image is horrible. You might argue that they are SUPPOSED to be random, but not even the captions manage to accomplish that. I think it would be better if you add one image per (overworked!) section and connect it to the content. For instance: Yogurt. from the Bottled water section, choose one idea (Mint, that color idea or "cats and trees"). Get rid of the current ones. |
| Miscellaneous: | 3.3 | To get into what you said about the article being funny by total absurdity: It's unfortunately only "average absurd humor". "Thining is Thinking" etc. - one can see that it's lateral thinking where one theme leads to another, but isn't well done. Be more original on that.
And again: Make those (partly quite nice) ideas into a concentrate and chop that article in half! The concept is good, make it mysterious by revealing what's going on or who it actually is that's "following you/us". Read THIS, it does help and there are good hints to make it something. |
| Final Score: | 17.3 | The score is low right now (you are new here afterall), but remember: As I stated, the concept is nice and starts off alright. Work on it, do a rewrite and lose all those superfluous bits - the idea is original. Yet, I didn't laugh once ... yet, I say!
I'd like to, because this article waits to grow up to become a fine, entertaining read. If you need help on your images, go see the Reefer Desk. And consider reading this (possibly again): HTBFANJS. Give it a completely (!) new try and come back to have it reviewed again when you see it works out. Don't be frustrated now, every first try is difficult. Picard out. "Engage!" |
| Reviewer: | --BlackInkWriter 11:02, 12 February 2008 (UTC)
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