Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Saving the world
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Saving the world[edit source]
Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 18:54, 17 December 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3.5 | There are few bits of humour in this piece of writing. Most of it appears as serious writing about a disease, and it is confusing because the article is about a disease that can save the world, and it is a certain sentiment derived from a certain disease. You need to be concise. Say exactly what the disease does. Say exactly what the certain sentiment is. If you want the disease to be seen as mysterious, be more straightforward about that. Say, “scientists do not fully understand the disease, but it is associated with altruism and extreme egocentrism.” It is inappropriate for you to name the disease a disease. You wrote that the disease would save humanity. Diseases are bad, so it should be a cure that would save humanity. You don’t explain why the world is in a degenerate state and needs to be saved. You must explain what is wrong with the world and how the disease will cure it. How will its “Effect on humans” save the world, as you mention in “When these viruses will evolve.”
You will need to rewrite much of what you wrote in a more humourous way. For inspiration, take a look at Uncyclopedia:Best of, such as A Guide to Snark Hunting - An Edwardian Gentlemen's Companion |
| Concept: | 6 | The concept in not entirely original, but I like what you have done with it with the end of the world and then the world being saved. |
| Prose and formatting: | 6 | Your grammar is fine. Your article jumps from your first paragraph about describing the disease to a philosophical segment. Instead of calling it “The present sentiment” call it something more straightforward such as “The philosophical point of view.” You call it ‘a disease’ and then in “Evolution of the disease” you call it ‘these viruses.’ Call it one or the other, or more preferably, call it a cure, since this ‘disease’ seems to be more of a cure. For added emphasis use italics and bold. You will need to have the not safe for work template because of your second image, as is seen below. |
| Images: | 3 | Your images don’t seem appropriate. Use images that you can directly relate to the ‘disease’ and to ‘saving the world,’ instead of the current images your using. For example, you could get an image of Superman and have the caption saying, "Superman can't save the world this time." |
| Miscellaneous: | 4.6 | Used the pee formula. |
| Final Score: | 23.1 | You will need to fix up much of this article. |
| Reviewer: | --Docile hippopotamus 08:54, 18 December 2008 (UTC) | |