Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Last saturday night
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We just made this, and want it rated.
Last saturday night[edit source]
Tribbuca222 19:20, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | For a user i've never heard of and a lowercase title, I must admit, this was funnier than I expected. You have a solid direction, which is good, and you don't use cliches or drift off into randomness. There are a few problems, however: first, it's somewhat of a one trick pony. While that doesn't make it a terrible article, it leaves me wanting something more. Throw a few changeups at the reader- for example, after you got in jail, you tunneled your way out, or something like that. Second, it's short. It sounds like you wanted a concise STUB with a joke or two. Expand some- change the last part of your article from a conclusion to an add-on. |
| Concept: | 5 | A first person article about a guy who killed a celebrity. Sure, it has some potential, but you need to be a bit more original. For example- Mary-Kate Olsen? I haven't heard her name in years. Besides, why would a famous celebrity just suddenly show up in a nightclub? You need a more in-depth set up for the climax- say, you heard Mary-Kate Olsen was going to that nightclub in a tabloid newspaper, and you wanted to meet her. Just randomly putting a celebrity in the mix is a cop out-put some more effort into the storyline. Changing the celebrity to someone more well known and 2009ish might not hurt either. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4.5 | Well, first and foremost, your title should be in capital letters- ask an admin to fix that. Second, your sentences are a bit stacked on top of each other, making you kind of look like you're rambling. Trim some of your sentences off, and morph them into others- for example, change "Okay, so I was spending my Saturday night in the club with my best buddy Max, who invited me here on Thursday." to "It was Saturday night, and Max and I were at the club." That way, the execution looks smoother, and it's less of a chore to read. Third, mid-way through you have a list- a major rule is that you never, ever, ever want lists. I suggest you get rid of a few of those random pick up lines ("I still live with my parents"? Got to go) and put it into a paragraph. You want to talk about pick-up lines in a paragraph, then put a few examples in. |
| Images: | 3 | You've got one image right now, and although the expression on the guy's face is mildly amusing, one image is usually never enough for an article. If you plan on expanding, you also might want to add some more images- a few ideas would be a picture of Mary-Kate Olsen (or another celebrity if you decide to change it), maybe a larger picture of a more pissed off looking guy, and a picture of a jail in the "Sunday morning" section. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 23.5 | Right now, you've got a solid idea, and a few well placed jokes- your main problem is your execution and the length of the article. As stated above, the best things you can do right now are come up with a more plausible scenario for running into someone famous, run over your article to get rid of excess sentences and spelling errors, add a few more images (a picture of the celebirty is a must), and most of all, expand your joke, and add a few different kinds of humor. As it stands, your article is a decent stub, but it has the potential to be a feature if you write it right. Keep at it, and good luck! =) |
| Reviewer: | Saberwolf116 00:48, 4 May 2009 (UTC) | |