| Humour:
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8.5
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A joy, a HowTo. This should be fun.
- Introduction - Wow. When I read this, I had no idea how funny it would actually be. It did, in fact, make me literally laugh out loud, and my sister glared at me and told me to shut up (you know how sisters are). Your intro here was really spot on; it made me laugh and want to read more. However, one minor note i may add is the fact that you spent so much time talking about what we were defending our home from, not what exactly what we were defending. Yes, it was funny, but you have to make it more clear that we are defending our home from zombies and minorties. Other than that though, it was pretty damn excellent in my opinion. The bottom line: Your introduction was funny, and it doesn't need much work.
- Step One:Board up doors and windows - Since youir introduction set up your article in a very funny way, this section was a big let down. The very first sentence really sort of turned me off, mainly because the idea of terrorists coming in and shooting eye beams is really more stpid than anything else. However, this is an easily remedy-ed(?) situation. Just have something about having them entering your home and blowing up your weird pet/child with an RPG or AK-47. However, the rest of the section will be a little bit harder to tidy up. So, as I read through this, i was expecting to get more glares from my sister, but I didn't. This section was far too serious, and the tone of the article completely changed. You have to keep that out-going, sort of rascist narration going in this section, and you really have to pile on the jokes. I would actually do this stuff if I was under attack by zombies, either that or move to Canada; it's a lot less likely to be zombie-fied there. So, what you really need to do with this is slap more jokes in there. Take for example, this: To further protect your home from those door-to-door "spreading the word" Mormons, break your windows to create a hand-dicer for those persistent freaks. Or something like that. You have some really good ideas here, but just not the jokes. The bottom line: Add Jokes.
- Step Two: Lock yourself (and maybe your family if you're feeling generous) in the basement - I particularly enjoyed your title there. And this section wasn't as bad as the first, but therre is still work to be done. Your beginnng paragraph was fine, and so was your list, and the next paragrpah made me snicker. But to me the section seemed just a bit too short. You need to add more content to the paragraph after, something witty and funny that will keep the reader reading more. It did have bright spots, but you need more to help finish off teh section.Maybe not so many jokes, because you had a decent amount, but you definitely need a bit more content. The bottom line: Extend the last paragrpah in a comical way.
- Step Three: Cower in Fear - This section was very solid. You had a very goodc oncept that fit exactly like a horror movie. It was very pleasing to read too. The last paragrpah was golden, and boy do I mean it. "Repeat the phrase "We're all going to die" over and over under your breath and react like a startled bull at slight noises."? In my opinion, bloody genius. The only complaint I might have with this section is the fact that it is a little short, but it really does make up for it in humour. The bottom line: If you really care, just add a couple more sentences. Not too important, though.
- Step Four: Kill Everything - Now, this section had it's jokes, but I think it can still be expanded. I, personally, think you should remove the quote and put something similar to it in paragrpah form. It sort of threw off the tempo of your article. Also, and another something I noticed is that you started every section with a question then "Of course not." You have to change that around, becuase it gets a little boring. Also, I think you should make the first and second paragrpahs one single paragraph, because they would flow together. I like the idea of someone taking a news article from th Onion the wrong way, but like I said, it was a bit too short and you need to add more to it. Actualy, my recommendation is that you rant a little bit more about blowing up not just zombies, but door-to-door salesmen and minorites, mainly because your article sort of turns into "HowTo:Defend your home from zombies" towards the end. You have to have all of the things you mentioned in your intro in the rest of your article. Also, my next suggestion is that you, after adding more about killing everything, is making a conclusion section that includes the stuff about the Onion, and telling the person that "If you have made it this far, great job! You have successfully protected your home from pesky jews and blood-thirtsy zombie bastards!". That would make it flow better overall, instead of ending abruptly on the last step. The bottom line: Add more about killing and theen move the rest to that Conclusion.
Overall, this article was pretty damned funny in my opinion. You have a little bit of work to do, but it isn't that much. Good job with this. However, I may be giving over-generous scores, so once you make my changes throw this up for another review just to be sure, ok?
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| Concept:
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7.5
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As for concept, I see it as pretty good. I didn't really know what you would get into, but for me this idea was great. Defeending your home from, not only zombies, but minorites. That's just great in my opinion. However, there were a few slip-ups in the concept that I mainly noted above. Probably the biggest was the fact that your article turned into "HowTo:Defend your home from zombies" Like I said above, you have to include all of the things you mentioned in your introduction. This means minorties, terrorists, and zombies. Also, besides those, I recommend adding a part for door-to-door salesmen, because we all hate them. And, as for minorties, you shouldn't keep it at just Jews, you should mention Mormons a few times as well, I think. They go around "spreading the word", so you could add them in there for that as well. The bottom line: Once you make those adjustments, your article will rock. Full on.
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| Images:
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6
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Now, your article was very good with the writng, but the images were a big let down. You had two of them, and in my opinion, both weren't very good. The first image was kinda dumb, and since your article only mentioned jews in the intro, it didn't fit well with the article. The second one was of a zombie, but the caption didn't really draw the "haha"s I was looking for. Also, your images were close together, and it left a big, image-less group of text down at the bottom. You could keep the second image and move it down, but you have to ditch the first one. Maybe what you could do is get someone to chop and image for you of a house that is overlyprotected, will walls and electric fences and barbed wire and bombs or something. That would fit the article nice, and with a good caotion, it could be birlliant. The bottom line: Get rid of the first image and replace it with a fitting one. Also, change the captions.
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| Final Score:
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37.5
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overall, your article was very funny and very enjoyable. However, you do have a few things to fix.
- Get you ideas straight - You article was more about zombies, you have to make it about all of the things you mentioned.
- Get a replacement image - Your first one is bad, you need a new one.
- Make a conclusion - Doing this will help finish off the article and preserve the flow of it.
Like I said, nice article it was fun, and once you do these things I can see it as VFH. But, as I said before, I might be a bit to generous right now, so you may have to get a final opinion.
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