Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Fast Animals Slow Children
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Fast Animals Slow Children[edit source]
Fattybelly 20:39, 12 June 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3 | Hmm. Well, I think the problem is that there isn't much joke past your concept. Fat kids get eaten by tigers, and...? You need more than just a humorous concept to write an entire article. You also make a few common mistakes: Michael Jackson is random and unrelated, so take him out. Striking out mean words and replacing them with nicer ones is a very, very, old joke, so i'd recommend you get rid of it. You should also get rid of the "Did You Know" section, and it's not very consistent with the rest of the article. Your article is also inherently lacking because of how narrow your concept is (more on that below). |
| Concept: | 2 | A throwaway joke from a 90s Family Guy episode. Well, that's the problem with this concept: not everyone has heard of family guy, and you use a lot of inside jokes that people who don't watch the show won't understand. You need to write this article with a more realistic tone; I doubt innocent children getting mauled would go over well with the FCC. Maybe, in the last few sections, you could reveal that the show is actually fake, and like Pro Wrestling, goes into unrealistic scenarios. This is a concept that could be funny, but you need to make sure you get the right writing style- when writing this article, pretend that nobody knows what Family Guy is. If you can't explain away your concept after that, it might be necessary to go in a different direction- write your article as if it was unrelated to Family Guy and it was an actual TV show. This way, your article might be easier to "get". |
| Prose and formatting: | 3.5 | There are some problems. First, you have quotes rampant througout the article. We stopped using quotes around mid-07, so it would be advisible to eliminate your opening quote (which is just another in-joke) and getting rid of the "quotes" section altogether. Like I said in the humor sections, lists are not funny, as they are by nature redundant and bothersome to read, so the "Did You Know" section drags down your article, and you'd be better off getting rid of it. |
| Images: | 6 | They're alright, but I think you could have some really funny photoshops if you get a professional job. If you want, you could add a request at RadicalX's Corner. An article like this depends on really strong images, so make sure you get some really good photoshops. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 18.5 | Basically, your article isn't very funny because it requires the reader to know a specific joke beforehand. If you want to make your article funnier and have it appeal to a more broad group of people, i'd recommend taking away references to Family Guy, and portray it as a reality show. From there, give it a twist: could other kinds of kids be eaten? What kind of animals are on the show? Once you've got a good writing, capitalize on your improved concept- remember, the truth is funnier than fiction, so avoid random nonsense like Michael Jackson. I know this may seem like a lot of work, but I encourage you to keep working on this- it could be a great article, you just need to make sure you write it right.
Bottom Line: Rewrite your concept so that it expands beyond a joke on a TV show; write it so that it's less confusing to people who don't watch Family Guy. Good luck! =) |
| Reviewer: | Saberwolf116 06:19, 29 June 2009 (UTC) | |