Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Alucard
Alucard[edit source]
Yeah, I don't know what else to do with this article. I may add some more stuff later on, but I don't know how to make it funny for everyone (my biggest weakness). I only know what's funny to me, I'm not other people. Any ideas guys?
- HaI got this one. --kit 23:31, 12 February 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 4 | I'd like you to know I've see Hellsing and I do have some basic knowledge on this subject. Now then, onwards with the harder task that this review will prove to be. I'll start with critisism and please don't take it to harshly, nor personally; but it simply didnt make me laugh. I smiled at a few points but thats about it. You have some good ideas but they definitely need improvments. As you yourself explained; and I've surely had the same problem myself, you know this subject well and it shows but things that you think are funny might be very boring to others. What you have to do is avoid names as much as you can. Don't go namedropping unless you have to and in that case try to subtly explain why these people are in the article. How they are connected to Alucard etc. For sure you don't need that huge list about "Lucky Enemies". Keep that to a shorter paragraf about "how some rare rapist bastards where deemed worthy of life by our lord and savior alucard" or something like that. Try and explain situations and things that happened (needless to say they don't need to have happened for real in Hellsing, just make funny stuff up). Try to keep to a good and single story with a clear red thread that goes through it. Right now it feels a bit sloppy and confusing. Not only with all the names as I already mentioned, but also the story and history behind Alucard. First you mention MacDonals, then go on about sex slaves and how he finally killed lots of people and got his own slave and so on. Its simply too much. Try sticking to one story and develop that one. Nurture it, give it anecdotes and turn it into a beautiful and funny butterfly =) Ok I went slightly off topic there. But you get my point I hope. As for the part about Alucards friends and enemies, they are ok. Still it'd be even better if you found some way to write about them from a different viewpoint. Taking Seras part for example - instead of sarcasm about her tits and how shes a b*tch that got turned into a slave; try being more subtle. Find an idea to explain to the readers who she is, in a interesting, yet hilarious way. Stating facts in an obvious, sarcastic way can be funny but there is too much of that in your article.
Basically, kill your darlings. Some of the things (facts, names, too sarcastic jokes) gotta go. Its sad but its often like that. Keep those you think most people will udnerstand. Develop an idea, find viewpoints to describe things and characters in a more original way. That should get you quite far! Also try and by less bias. Thats always a good tip, especially when you seem so involved in the subject itself. |
| Concept: | 6 | Hmm, well basically I sense you like Alucard and felt like writing an awesome article about him. Not so much of a concept there really. I can actually recommend writing about things you dont know so much about, that way it'll be easier to write about them in a way which will make it funnier to more people. But apart from that, I see you took a chronological approach (Origins, rise and fall, etc..) which seems the best and most logical. Apart from that you sought other subtitles such as enemies and friends and why he's so awesome which are all good ideas. Try developing them though.into more than just lists or short descriptions. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | Aouch. My eyes didnt bleed but almost. Ok no that was somewhat of an overstatement. But still, lots of spelling errors like "dosen't", "mediocer", "seceret", and more; and the grammar isnt that great either. Mixing of past tence with present and some third tense I'm not even sure exists. My first tips is reading through it and look up spelling errors. Next is that you read your text out loud so you can hear that the sentences indeed make sence and are in the right grammatical tense.
As for your format, aouch again =P Nah its not that bad ;) But you simply can't have all the friends, enemies and lucky enemies as sub-titles. It makes for a huge Contentlist which looks horrible. Also, your 2 lists at then end are simply way to big. There again you must "kill your darlings". A few items (perhaps 5) per list are enough. Having more simply kills the funny and makes the whole article look like a gigantic |
| Images: | 8 | Giving you 8 here felt a bit too much first but after thinking about it and reviewing again all your pictures it'll stay there. Good amount of pictures, nice choice and mostly entertaining comments. That dog GIF for instance has been sued a bit too much but the comment really fits so I dont mind anyway. You could try though to place them out a bit more around the whole article; the end feels quite exempt of pictures. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | Kill the Oscar Wilde quote at the beginning, other quotes me likes |
| Final Score: | 27 | Some work to do indeed but I appreciate people writing about themes that arent that common or popular. The more articles and variability there is the better Uncyclopedia is. If ya need a help editing, let me know =) Cheers |
| Reviewer: | --kit 23:31, 12 February 2009 (UTC) | |