Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/November 26

Jimmy Blackman is widely regarded as the greatest man, tied with his brother Jimmy Mozzarella. Enlisted in the Marine Corps at the age of three, he retired, obtained every medal thrice, and became a professional bank robber in the Mozzarella crime family.

Jimmy Blackman was born on December 6, 1969. Born out of a can of beans, he was the only member of the Jimmy family to come out of the can of beans fully grown. At the age of three, Jimmy decided to enlist in the U.S Marine Corps. Blackman was quickly rising through the ranks until he became the General of the Military at the age of six. Deployed in Vietnam, he, just like his brother, fought in the Vietnam War. Except, Blackman fought every single battle in Vietnam. How? Who knows, it's Jimmy Blackman, he can do anything. Jimmy was severely injured in the Hue-Da Nang Campaign, due to an accidental explosion of white phosphorus. However, he remained in the hospital for only three hours before he returned to battle, making mince meat of the Vietcong soldiers. Months later, Blackman stole a shit load of white phosphorus and immediately launched it on unsuspecting civilians. Hilarious!

At the age of seven, Blackman was honorably discharged from the military and was awarded every medal the U.S has, including the Medal of Honor.(Full article...)