Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/July 14

The fortune I pulled out of the cookie was very clear in its message. That was at least one thing I could cling to in this utterly mad place. This was a Burger King for Christ's sake, not a Chinese restaurant. So perhaps it was for my own sanity that I took the fortune cookie's message to heart. Given the time and resources, I was sure I could have written a better one myself, but the effort was appreciated, and the implications were horrifying:

Stop watching porn or you will die.

That was it. No explanation. No lucky lotto number picks or a learn to speak Chinese Easter egg. Just a blunt ultimatum, punctuated by the faint scent of vanilla and sesame oil. I didn't even eat the cookie. I was too shocked, taken aback at this fortuitous turn of events. Also I noticed that the cookie had taken on the sort of rubbery texture that they tend to get when left past their best date of consumption for too long. I found it unappetizing, but curiously arousing. I had to get out of there. (Full article...)