Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/January 3

I didn't go to no Ivy League college. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I ain't not know nothing about no double, triple, or even quad...ible negatives. I don't use fancy words, nor do I wear a fancy suit or eat fancy food. I don't drive one of them classy cars from Germany or Korea. I can barely read, and manage only to do that poorly... but if there is one thing that I've learned, it's that my client is innocent.

Your honor, the jury, witnesses, Mom (hi Mom!), I feel that we the defense team and I the lead defending lawyer-guy have exceeded the standard in proving reasonable doubt that our client, Mr. Thomas Crupville, a pillar of the community, petter of cats, feeder of birds, and falsely accused murderer, did not, would not and, indeed, could not, do the things that he stands accused (as he sits in this very courtroom!) of doing. This heinous crime, of which my client is both not guilty as well as innocent of, is horrifying to you, me, them, and my pie-baking, frail, and elderly mother, Mrs. Defenselawyerguy (hi Mom!), but we have to look past the crime itself and look at the criminal, or possibly criminals, responsible for this reprehensible (as well as illegal!) act, rather than continue this...this...this witch hunt against my client. (Full article...)