Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/January 11

ROCHESTER, New York – Less than a week into the new year, several polls already indicate that Americans are frightened. According to a recent CNN/ORC Opinion Poll, over 50% of Americans reported being afraid that "some serious shit is about to go down," with an additional 25% saying, "America's going to Hell in a hand-basket!" Several people polled claim someone they know will soon be deceased. Many are also claiming that life is completely hopeless, and that you should just "kill yourself, and everyone around you."

Currently, the majority of Americans believe the economy is the number one problem plaguing the nation. Most claim it is getting worse despite the steady decline of first time jobless claims being filed, the increase in jobs created, the increased strength of the stock markets worldwide, and the strengthening of the US dollar against the Euro. One pollster noted very few believe their own economic situation to be in a bad or worsening condition. He also noted the apparent fear felt crosses party lines, but the indecisive, easily influenced independent voters seem to be the most scared. (Full news...)