Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/August 28

A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will.

"He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment.

"I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective." (Full article...)