Presidential Debates 2008 Transcript is part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions
This is a transcript of a debate by the two presidential candidates for United States president. On the Republican side, we have presidential candidate Josef Stalin, and on the Democratic side, we have Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. The announcer for this debate was Jack Cafferty, a CNN anchorman. Stalin's running mate Mao Zedong makes a brief appearence. However, Hugo's running mate Generalissimo Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was nowhere to be found that evening.
| Announcer:
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WELCOME TO THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE 2008. I'M JACK CAFFERTY, AND I WILL BE THE ANNOUNCER. LET'S GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO OUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. ON THE LEFT: REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE JOSEF STALIN. ON THE RIGHT: DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE HUGO CHAVEZ. LET US GET THE DEBATE GOING.
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| Announcer:
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Okay. First question goes to Josef Stalin. You have one minute to respond to this question: How will you solve global warming? Begin.
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| Stalin:
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....
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| Announcer:
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30 Seconds
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| Stalin:
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....
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| Announcer:
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Okay. Hugo, do you have any responses to your candidate's strong message? 30 seconds. Begin.
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| Hugo:
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I would like to say that my opponent is dead, and has been dead for over 50 years.
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| Announcer:
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Josef, do you have anything to say about your opponents allegations of you being dead? 30 seconds.
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| Stalin:
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Hugo, I am not dead, and I have not been dead for over 50 years, and if you think I'm dead, I ask you sir, to put on your glasses.
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| Announcer:
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Do you think that you have the skills to run this country, Josef?
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| Stalin:
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Yes, I believe I have the skills to do so. I was able to run the Soviet Union until my retirement in 1953.
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| Hugo:
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This man has no skill to run the United States. He didn't rise in a Democracy.
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| Stalin:
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You don't have the genocides under your belt to be talking, Hugo.
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| Announcer:
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Hugo, 30 seconds. Is what your opponent saying true?
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| Hugo:
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I will neither confirm nor-
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| Stalin:
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That's bullshit and you know-
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| Announcer:
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Please wait until Mr. Chavez is done.
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| Hugo:
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As I was saying, I can neither confirm nor deny this.
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| Stalin:
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I would also like to add that my opponent has forgotten Poland.
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| Hugo:
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I have not forgotten about Poland. It's always been in the 10 ten countries I wanted to annex.
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| Announcer:
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Can you give proof of such a list?
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| Hugo:
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I've got the list right here.
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| Announcer:
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Bring it to me.
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| Announcer:
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It seems this isn't even a list. This is just a 4 year old letter to Fidel Castro with the words "DEATH TO AMERICA. EAT ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION CAPITALIST PIGS." written repeatedly in the body of the message. I see no list of countries to annex.
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| Hugo:
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Um...Errr...My candidate does not like Harold and the Purple Crayon!
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| Announcer:
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Is this allegation true?
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| Stalin:
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If this man is a good premier he would have banned such a book as it premote creativity.
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| Announcer:
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30 Seconds, Mr. Chavez. Would a good premier ban Harold and the Purple Crayon?
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Only a communist would ban such a fine book.
| Hugo:
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Only a communist would ban a book as fine as Harold and the Purple Crayon!
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| Stalin:
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Are you questioning my ruthlessness?
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| Hugo:
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You portray yourself as being some evil dictator. But you're just a communist.
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| Announcer:
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Any retorts to that allegation?
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| Stalin:
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You should know a thing or two about communism, Hugo. Fidel Castro is your mentor.
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| Hugo:
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No, Che is.
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| Stalin:
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So you admit it!
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| Announcer:
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We're getting off track here. Okay this question goes to Stalin: How will you deal with the problem with outsourcing.
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| Stalin:
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Buffer contries and nuclear missles will solve it.
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| Hugo:
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My opponent does not have the testicular fortitude to use nuclear missles.
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| Stalin:
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All I'd like to say is Holodomor. Also, how could anyone that dresses like Mario have the testicular fortitute to launch a nuclear missle?
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| Hugo:
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Um...mushrooms?
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| Announcer:
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Okay. This next question goes to Mr. Chavez. How would you solve illegal immigration? 1 minute.
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| Hugo:
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I would annex Mexico.
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| Announcer:
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How?
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| Hugo:
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Buffer countries and nuclear missles.
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| Stalin:
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You theif!
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| Announcer:
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Please settle down Josef. We don't want a scene here. Next question goes to you: How will you solve the problem with Iraq.
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| Stalin:
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I would setup a puppet government and indirectly control it.
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| Hugo:
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Good luck getting away with that. The UN knows all your little tricks.
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| Stalin:
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Who says you need UN approval?
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Are you questioning my ruthlessness?
| Announcer:
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Okay, well, we're closing this debate, or lackthereof. Stalin: you've got 30 seconds to draw up your closing remarks.
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| Stalin:
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Okay. I'd just like to say that Hugo is a little ballsucker democrat and would never be able to do anything.
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| Hugo:
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Shutup. Crawl back to Lenin's side where you belong.
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| Stalin:
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Don't make me get Mao in here!
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| Hugo:
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What's your running mate going to do? Drive me to a remote island?
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| Stalin:
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Probably...
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| Hugo:
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...not?
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| Announcer:
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Mao, get back to your seat in the audience.
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| Mao:
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No way I let my running mate accept slander from fascist!
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| Hugo:
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At least someone understands my policies...
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| Stalin:
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Mao you idiot! You're giving the other party recognition of existence!
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| Mao:
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Shit!
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| Hugo:
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Your running mate is a little softie, recognizing the existence of other parties! Ha! To think I was afraid of him!
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| Stalin:
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You were afraid of a 4'2" little bald chinaman? Hahahaha! Even Kim Jong-Il would scoff at the piss poor dictatorship you've setup! You don't even have a secret police!
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| Hugo:
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Well, I've got Citgo!
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| Stalin:
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Hah! And you call yourself a dictator!
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| Announcer:
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Actually I think that this debate should have one final question. Stalin, do you think that either you or your opponent are mature enough to run a country?
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| Stalin:
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...
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| Hugo:
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...
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| Announcer:
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I guess that set-
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| Hugo:
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DEATH TO AMERICA!
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| Stalin:
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Is that all you can say for yourself?
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| Hugo:
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Maybe...
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| Announcer:
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Okay, we're stretching our time. That's it for the debates. I'm Jack Cafferty, telling you to spay or neuter your children, and to vote for a third party candidate this year. Good night.
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