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It's Spring Break! is part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions
Act 1
INT. SOME CLASSROOM
A bunch of hot bored guys are sitting at the back benches while the teacher makes an announcement.
Teacher
And as you all know, our school's going to shut down this spring as part of the regular spring break session. And that is all, class, thank you.
Everybody cheers except for the hot bored guys.
Boy named Jon Cheerio
Yeah, it's been the same for, like, ever!
And people were, like, taking pictures of us and stuff.
Boy named Justin
Yeah, and like, we've been there all those years too, you know.
Boy named Lance
And like, it's all starting to feel the same you know. It's been such a bore since that time I, like, came out.
Boy named Joey
And, like, we went out of our way to protect you. Like, from all the homophobes.
Boy named Chris
And we were, like, so heroic. God, I wish we were like, back there again.
Announcer
Are you bored out of your way too normal lives!? Are you itchin' for some action!? Then join Bonny Wilde's Spring Break joyride, from March 7th to 17th! Only $89.95 per head!
Justin
Boy that would be, like, so awesome. If we could, like, afford it.
Joey
How about we, like, rob the nearest WalMart or something?
Lance
But wouldn't that be, like, illegal?
They were, like, so easily affordable. Our gun laws, like, rock man!
Jon Cheerio
Yeah, we'd need like, guns 'n shit.
Chris
Well, my dad bought, like seven assault rifles just a week back. You know, for like, hunting and stuff.
The rest of the hot bored guys
AWESOME!
Act 2
INT. WALMART.
Justin barges into the WalMart, with a cartoonish mask on his face.
An exclusive still from the upcoming music video!
Justin
(singing)
Ooooooooooooh, get down!
The others
GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!
Justin
If you wanna live to party another day, then ya better get down!
Justin
If you wanna go back to a TV and not a grave, then ya better GET DOWN!
Chorus
GET DOWN, OOOOOOH!
JC
Cause we gonna rob your asses off! And reach for the alarm and you get shot! (shoots guy reaching for the alarm)
Chorus
So GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN!
Justin
And let me rob you, girl!
Act 3
INT. BACK ROOM.
The hot, not bored anymore guys are counting their money.
And, like, the President looks so, like, cool.
Justin
Wow, that's, like, a lot of money!
JC
Yeah, we could, like, afford the spring break right now!
Chris and Lance
COOOOL YEAH!
Lance
I though we were about to break into a song and dance again...
Justin
Oh, we will. But not here....
Act 4
The boys do a mesmerizing but suspiciously lip-synced rendition of "I Want You Back", and then jump into the pool. Lots of bikini girl shots and graphic make-out scenes follow.
JC
And that bastard, like, reached for the alarm and I shot him in the head! BOOM, guilty of first-degree murder and they can't touch me!
Chick
Mmm....you're so bad, JC!
Chick
Hey, I murdered my last three foster parents too. How do you think I got so filthy fucking rich?
JC
Oh, okay then. (the intercourse proceeds without any further interruptions)
Lance
Crap, too many chicks up here. And all of them called me a fag!
Joey
I understand what you're going through, Lance. Maybe, someday, humanity will see the light.
Lance
I know. Hey Joey...
Lance
Will you do some of this crack with me?
Joey's face lights up with a tender smile.
Joey
Of course, my friend.
Sweet piano music plays as Joey and Lance get high and fall into the pool.
Act 5
INT. LODGINGS
The boys are lounging in the lodgings allotted to them.
Justin
That was so awesome!
Chris
Like, I don't even feel like inserting those pretentious "like"s into my dialogue anymore!
It doesn't look like we'll be, like, needing this anymore.
JC
And I had sex with this awesome psycho-chick! I think she might be the one, man!
Joey
Oh, great for you, man!
Lance
Yeah, you'll be the next Bonnie and Clyde. But I'm still waitin' for mine....(cue some melancholy keyboard music)
Joey
Wait, what about the hot lifeguard guy who rescued us from the pool?
Lance
I'm a fucking idiot. (rushes out)
Justin
Man, I wish these times would last forever.
JC
I feel you. These have been the best days of my life by a long shot. I wish this spring break would never end.
Chris
So do we all. But all good things must come to an end. If only....
Deciding to listen to the characters for once, the scriptwriters make the spring break last forever. Predictably, they soon get bored out of their wits.
Justin
Like, I went to this other orgy this, like, other day, and, like, the orgasms are all beginning to feel the same, you know?
JC
Oh, like, totally. Things aren't going all that well with Stacy. Cause, like, I think she's planning to kill me, and I'm, like, planning to kill her too, but we can't, like, really do anything because we're, like, so unhealthily addicted to each other.
Joey
I know, man. All the pot in the world couldn't, like, save this stinker of a spring break. Life, like, sucks!
Lance
Yeah, my boyfriend, like, broke up with me ages ago. I don't know if it was, like, my pretentious speech patterns returning, or me, like, telling him that you, JC, like killed someone.
JC
God, like, why would you do that?
Lance
Guess I was, like, so bored too, you know?
Chris
If only, like, there was some, like, spice to this, you know? Some, like, exciting and dangerous plot twist.
Just the guy you need to mess things up!
Timbaland
Did somebody say plot twist!
Cheer track
WOO WOO WOOOOO WOO WOOO!
Justin
Whoa, it's, like, Timbaland!
JC
Like, what are you doing here, Timbaland?
Timbaland
(checks watch)
Oh, dammit I came too early. (leaves)
Act 6
The boys are arrested, charge-sheeted, blah-blah-blah, until they get bailed out by Timbaland.
Timbaland
Now we can get started!
Justin
Okay...so, like, what are you doing here, Timbaland?
Timbaland
(face becomes creepy and mysterious)
We cannot talk here. Follow me.
The boys follow Timbaland into a shiny limo. The limo goes into a shady 'hood where Timbaland gets off and walks on. The boys follow him to a creepy motel, where he checks in under a fake ID.
INT. MOTEL ROOM.
Timbaland
I have something to tell you boys. I am the real Bonny Wilde.
Timbaland
And this whole Spring Break bash was a way of generating a market for my drugs.
The boys
WHOA, like, again!
Timbaland
And I'll show you all into this awesome but shady nightclub just because you're all so awesome!
The boys have another time of their lives at the nightclub, while shots are shown of Timbaland being an abusive psycho and doing drugs and raping women, and once again the boys wish their stay would last forever. But the scriptwriters know better this time around.
Timbaland
Look, I know you guys want to party here forever, but the truth is, me and my boys have a job for you.
Timbaland's "boys" appear, all of whom seem to be stereotypically creepy black guys.
Timbaland
Now, I want to run the biggest drug cartel in the city, but I can't do that because of the competition. But we don't have enough funds to massacre the competition, and that's where you guys come in. (shows them a blueprint) This is a big shot bank's blueprint that I got thanks to some unconvincing plot convenience. Once we rob this, we'll be able to afford enough guns to kill off all our competition.
And then you'll be the best drug dealer ever!
And we'll have the best parties ever!
And our lives will be the most awesome ever!
And we'll be the richest crime lords ever!
And we'll be the most RESPECT!'d ever!
Act 7
Timbaland and the guys are casing the big shot bank.
Timbaland
Alright, now. Remember how you all did it the last time and what I've taught you. There's no way this job could possibly blow up in our faces, so go out and rock the show!
As soon as the guys leave, an awesome FBI agent walks up to Timbaland.
Awesome FBI Agent
You're doomed, Timbaland! I've been spying on you the whole time, I know exactly what your boys will attempt inside that bank, and I'll destroy all of you!
INT. BANK.
The boys barge in.
Everybody in the bank happily cooperates and gets down on the floor.
And don't mind those guys. They're just here to shoot for some movie.
Justin
Well, that was easy. To the vaults, my warriors!
JC
Hmm...isn't this a bit too easy!
Justin
Come on, JC! Chill! This job'll be over in no time.
JC
Since you have reassured me that there is no way we could be walking into a trap, and that everything will go according to plan, I will do as you say and chill.
The boys manage to open up the vaults, with some helpful assistance from the manager. But just as they're about to leave with all the stolen cash in tow, they hear blaring police sirens, and a speech from a mega-phone.
Megaphone
This is the NYPD! You are completely surrounded! Put down your weapons or we will be forced to engage!
Justin
Oh SHIT! It's the cops!
JC
I told you! I told you it was too easy!
Joey
Calm down, gu-AAAAH!
The after-effects of all the drugs the boys have been doing begin to kick in, and they all fall to the floor in misery and pain. Amid a melancholy score, the scene then shifts to Timbaland, who's running around in slow-mo like a deranged lunatic while being sprayed with bullets and falling down, bleeding to death. The scene then shifts back to the boys, with the camera jittering and colors fluctuating in order to highlight their pitiful state.
Justin
So, this is what we've ended up like.
Insert some tragic song lyrics in the background score here.
JC
This is what we've always headed towards, but were just too blind to see.
Insert some other tragic lyrics in the background score here.
Joey
We're living in a corrupt society! We ARE the corruption in the society!
Lance
And this is what happens to morally bankrupt, out of control teenagers like us!
Insert some other tragic verse in the background score here.
Chris
Always be grateful for what you have, for what every moment brings you!
And read the Bible! PLEASE READ THE BIBLE!!
Justin
And always live by the righteous path! For if you do not live righteously, no matter how much you may seem to gain, it will never be enough!
They all groan dramatically.
Lance
As this script has subliminally communicated on multiple occasions, humanity is losing its way.
Joey
Indeed, the whole film was actually an allegory for the rise of amoral and impure lifestyles, all of which are robbing the people of their goodness and spiritual enlightenment.
Justin
So listen! Turn back from your evil ways before it is too late!
Chris
Or else you'll end up miserable and cold on the ground with the SWAT team preparing to shoot you, just like we are right now!
SWAT Member 1
I don't know, man. Shooting a bunch of guys lying on the floor like that for dramatic effect? Seems kinda wrong, doesn't it? Especially since there are hostages in there, and in real life, we'd try to capture the boys alive for that reason alone.
SWAT Member 2
Yeah, well, if we let them live, the film's hard-hitting message might not come across with enough impact.
SWAT Member 1
Still, man. It just seems way too cold.
SWAT Leader
(sees Justin's arm randomly flailing around his dropped assault rifle) Oh, look! One of the guys is reaching for a gun! FIRE!
The SWAT team fires at the boys in slow-mo and all of them die a dramatic and gory death. The camera then zooms in to graphically portray their mutilated corpses. The credits then roll silently, just to reinforce the film's gritty nature.
