A Comedy of Grammaretical Errors is part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions
A Comedy of Grammaretical Errors is a play by William Shakespear.
- Earl - Earl of Earl
- John - worker at a local grocery store
- Mr. Ross - Store manager
- Tony - Restaurant worker
- Goar - The last living Goth
- Jimmy the Postman
- Al Gore
- King Leonidas
(Scene one begins at Earl Grocery Store)
| Earl:
|
Tell me again why stock you not the sandwich with the little olive in it?
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| John:
|
Uhh...dude, this is, like not a restraunt, man. It's not our business to stock them.
|
| Earl:
|
Quite right you are. But still you should do so.
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| John:
|
Dude, my boss isn't really going to do that.
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| Earl:
|
Well, now by the orders of the Earl of Earl you shall stock sandwhiches with little olives in them by threat of death.
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| John:
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Dude, it's just a sandwich. Just go next door.
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| Earl:
|
I must speaken with your manager about the issue.
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(John goes to get Mr. Ross from the back of the store.)
| Mr. Ross:
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I hear you have a problem with our sandwiches.
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| Earl:
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Erm...Yes. Quite. I do not see a sandwich with a little olive sticking out of it.
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| Mr. Ross:
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Why don't you buy the olives and some toothpicks-
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| Earl:
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I refuse to have anything prepared by myself! My mother is not at home and I cannot rely on her to make a sandwich!
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| Mr. Ross:
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Sir, please. Just go next door or buy one of our oliveless sandwhiches for your enjoyment.
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| Earl:
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Fine, I will go next door, but I guaruntee you that this establishement will never exist again after I get done with it!
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(Earl leaves, attempting to slam the automatic doors.)
| Mr. Ross:
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Do you think he will ever figure out that he holds no real power here in the US?
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| John:
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Probably not.
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(Scene two takes place at the nearby Restaurant which the earl has just walked into)
| Earl:
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I wish to be of doing business with you. I require a food that the grocer has no offer of.
|
| Tony:
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Okay, just have a seat at this table here.
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| (The Earl has a seat)
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| Tony:
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What would you like?
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| Earl:
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I would like a coke, and a sandwich with a little olive in it.
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| Tony:
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We'll get it right away, sir.
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| Earl:
|
Now that is more like it!
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| (Tony goes offstage and comes back with a tray carrying a coke and a ham sandwich that contains olives.)
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| Earl:
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I requested a sandwich with a little olive in it, not a sandwich that has olives inserted into it.
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| Tony:
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Please take that complaint to our chef Goar, the last living Goth.
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| Earl:
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Verily, I shall!
|
| (Earl makes his way into the kitchen, where he sees Goar, flipping meat patties with a bloody axe.)
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| Earl:
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Mr. Goar, is it?
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| Goar:
|
Ja?
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| Earl:
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You're sandwich was terrible and I do not like it because you did not insert an olive with a toothpick into it. You inserted olives into the sandwich.
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| Goar:
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RAKA!
|
| (Goar severs the Earl's head.)
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| Earl:
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I say, that quite hurt old chap.
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| Goar:
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Bispehwa ana aithen thena!
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| Earl:
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Well, that was quite rude. I'm leaving this establishment. Good day, hun!
|
| (The Earl's body starts to look for his head)
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| Earl:
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No no no. I'm right here.
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| (The body eventually finds the head and holds it at the side sort of like a ball)
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| Earl:
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Hmph!
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| (The body turns around and attempts to get out of the kitchen, but hits a wall. Goar laughs.)
|
(Scene three takes place several weeks later. The Earl's head has been reattached since, and he is attending a presentation of "An Inconvienient Truth" by Al Gore)
| Al Gore:
|
As you can clearly see by this line going upward at a pretty damn high rate, we are thouroughly fucked.
|
| Earl:
|
Quiteth write.
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| Al Gore:
|
Earl of Earl, could you just shut the fuck up? That's the fifth time you've interrupted me in a five minute time span!
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| Earl:
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No.
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| (Jimmy the Postman sneaks up behind Al Gore, pours gasoline over him and lights him on fire)
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| Al Gore:
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I TOLD YOU WE WERE FUCKED! I'M BURNING ALIVE THANKS TO ALL OF YOU RISING THE CO2 EMISSIONS TO SUCH HIGH LEVELS!
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| Jimmy:
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No you blabbering fool! I snuck up behind you and set you on fire!
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| Al Gore:
|
With your muffler emissions?!
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| Jimmy:
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(Smacks head) No! I poured gasoline on you!
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| Al Gore:
|
.........Okay, folks, as I was saying, if you don't listen to me up here you are only hurtin our planet.
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| Jimmy:
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You're on freaking fire and you're still doing this presentation?
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| Al Gore:
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Yep. Now I suggest you sit down, sir, and continue listening to this powerpoint I pulled out of my ass.
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| Jimmy:
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(Sighs) All right.
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| Al Gore:
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That's more like it!
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| (Jimmy sits next to the Earl)
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| Earl:
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You the commoner shalt get the hell away from me.
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| Jimmy:
|
What?
|
| Earl:
|
(More Stressed) You the commoner shalt get the hell away from me.
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| Jimmy:
|
Christ, this isn't the Rennissance festival you dolt! Speak in English.
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| Earl:
|
But thateth would not keep thee in character!
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| Jimmy:
|
(Irate)What did I just say?
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| Al Gore:
|
Hey, peanut gallery. Pay attention to me.
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| Jimmy and Earl:
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(sighs)
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| King Leonidas:
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(revealing himself) Say someone madness?
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| Jimmy:
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No! Go away!
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| King Leonidas:
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(massively disappointed) Oh. (kicking over a bucket) Sparta. (leaves)
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| Al Gore:
|
Listen to me!
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| Jimmy:
|
Screw this, I'm off to home.
|
(The Play Ends)
