UnNews:You Will Die in Seven Days

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 November 2008

Remember last night, when you woke up at 4:00 A.M to eat a snack? Yeah, when you got back into bed, I injected some poison into your veins. Great joke right? Yeah, umm, you're gonna die now. In seven days to be exact. You only have six days left, so you should make the most out of them.

No hard feelings right? We're still cool? Hey, I kinda felt bad about replacing your blood with posinous snake venom, so I bought you these airline tickets to go to Europe. You should leave pretty soon because you're still going to die, but I think you'll have fun. But, don't spend your time in a hospital because, let me tell you, everyone is going to try to rush you to the ER. Don't let them spoil your fun. And relax, everyone is going to die eventually. Your death just kinda snuck up on you. Hey, look on the bright side, maybe some hot girls will drive you to the hospital. Just play it cool and when you gotta cough up blood, you gotta cough up blood.

Oh yeah, you're gonna be coughing up blood a lot.

And don't try to see a doctor, 'cause their not gonna know what to do. I mean, who's gonna be able to replace ten liters of venom with human blood? Although, if you want to feel less crappy drink a bunch of water. That usually helps right?

But, it's ok, just don't worry and have fun. And when you get on the plane for Europe, ask the flight attendant to bring some extra barf bags. She'll understand. Anyway, you've been a cool guy and I like hanging around with you.I'm sorry you have to die.

Tomorrow you should arrive at Europe. Eat some chocolate and relax for the first day

On your fifth last day, you could go sight seeing or something cool like that.

On your fourth last day you board the train for Scotland!

On the third last day of you very short life, you go sightseeing in Scotland.

On your second to last day, you should probably start on your will.

On the seventh and final day of your life, go to bed. If you're asleep it won't hurt. And if you can't sleep because of all the moaning, just pretend to sleep.

I hope you were not offended and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it will be.

And just for the record, the venom came from a cobra called the Sevendayuntilldead cobra snake.