UnNews:Woman spends entire night in loo "doing a poo"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 September 2007

I can't feel my arse cheeks!

YORKSHIRE, England – Police started a missing person alert for a great-grandmother - only for her to turn up 12 hours later having been spent the entire night "doing a bowel movement, if you don't mind!". Gwyneth Chalfonts, 77, of Pickering, North Yorkshire, was caught short after a night at a local curry house.

After partaking in a specialty 'curried Yak' dish she was subsequently forced to rush to the town's toilets. Her bowels had began to emit "ominous sounding movements and smells" on Monday evening forcing the pensioner onto the toilet for "near eight hours!"

The resilient great-grandmother lost six stone as she settled down for a night straining to evacuate the masses of turd from her digestive tract. "I thought it was just a mild case of constipation, but Christ I was crapping out a sodding forest worth in there!"

Although an attendant locking up shouted to check the building was empty, he failed to hear her answer over the cacophony of farts and splashes eminating from the cubicle in which she resided. As it was the attendant was almost overcome by the fumes emitted by Ms Chalfonts and reports returning home "in a semi-stupor" with little memory of the preceding few hours.

Ms Chalfont, recovering at home this afternoon explained, "I think I laid at least 60ft of "cable" in that toilet. I hope the authorities can unblock the system OK. God knows what they put in that yak dish I had but suffice to say I won't be returning for seconds!"

"It must not have been a pretty sight but when you've gotta go you've gotta go!"

Sources

• EEEEUUURRGGGGG "come on, SHIFT yer bastard" #PLOP#, September 20, 2007