UnNews:Woman speaks out against rape after nearly three decades

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 February 2009

After nearly three decades of keeping the most traumatic event in her a life a secret, a lady spoke out last night about the tragic events that befell her nearly thirty years ago.

In 1980 Marie Stanley became the first ever recorded victim of a Tree Raping. "It brought a whole new meaning to the term, 'Got wood?'," she began, "I haven't had anything quite as big up there since". At the time Miss Stanley was staying in a cabin in the middle of the woods with a group of friends. Finding that the flush for the toilet didn't work, she took the initiative and went outside to do her business; here she was violently molested by several trees.

As a result of the stretching caused by the rough bark, Miss Stanely could only find employment in the Porn Industry who welcomed her with open arms. "She's beautiful," said Hugh Phallus, a representative for the company Miss Stanley is currently working for, "And the fact that she can take our meanest and biggest men means that she is our highest earner!".

The years have been kind to Miss Stanley who, yesterday, invited us down into her cellar.

Although she never married, Marie Stanley is said to have a close relationship with director Sam Raimi who's film, 'Evil Dead' is said to be an "extremely truthful representation of the events that unfolded that night" (Miss Stanley).

In an attempt to put her past behind her, Miss Stanley is said to have taken up tree hugging, an activity which she intends to continue until the day she dies.