UnNews:Wisconsin judge: "Ummm, no."
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 March 2011
MADISON, Wisconsin -- The element of state government that Gov. Scott Walker forgot about made an appearance earlier today when district judge Maryann Sumi put a temporary restraining order on Walker's recently passed bill to nullify the unions of state workers. The move by the often overlooked judicial branch prevents the bill from being put into law "until further order of the court."
Said the honorable Judge Sumi in her ruling, "I'm like the mommy coming back from the store to see my seven year-old beating up my toddler. Someone's getting spanked."
Citing the inconvenient problem that is the First Amendment and its section on the "right to gather," Sumi said that her decision to revert Walker's bill was "pretty easy," and that the bill itself was "pretty illegal." In reply, Walker argued that the "right to gather" lacked a direct object, making it a grammatically incorrect sentence fragment and therefore unworthy of being in the Constitution. Sumi reminded him that he might want to take night classes at a local high school that still had teachers.
"The point is, people still have the right to gather things," Walker went on to explain, "They can pick up and collect whatever they want, they just can't have collective bargaining rights." Sumi's response to this idiocy can best be described as "OMG, WTF."
Wisconsin state Democrats, however, are thrilled by the developments, and only regret that they didn't happen sooner. "If we'd had known Sumi could fix this - even temporarily, like she did - we wouldn't have paid her so much to sleep with us for so long while we were in Illinois," Senator Dave Hansen said.
The governor's office isn't done fighting, however, releasing a statement saying that they're "confident the provisions of the budget repair bill will become law in the near future," even though there are no budget provisions in it. Democrats vow to fight back, hoping to overcome their overwhelming numerical superiority with endurance training and jujitsu lessons. Analysts predict a 15-round split decision.
For now, however, it is the judicial branch in the lead after scoring this decidedly decisive blow from out of left field, leveling Walker with a combined flank and sneak attack and rolling the maximum on the d20. This, together with the +3 bonus granted by the Gavel of Superiority, left Walker discombobulated, allowing Judge Sumi to lay him prone on her lap and give him the spanking she'd promised, and all union leaders think he deserved.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Wisconsin judge halts state budget law curbing unions' power" CNN, March 18, 2011