UnNews:Willy Wonka shot in the face; Charlie Bucket takes over factory
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
1 September 2008
WONKAVILLE, Newloompaland - Following the return of world-renowned candymaker Willy Wonka and apprentice Charlie Bucket from their glass elevator excursion, in the midst of a public ceremony where Charlie was expected to formally and legally be transferred ownership of Mr. Wonka's factory, a series of gunshots were fired from within the crowd. Dodging the first and deflecting a second with his cane, Wonka was shot in both the face and right lung at the scene.
The ceremony abruptly ended and Wonka was carried away from the crowd on a white chocolate stretcher by a pair of his green-haired employees. He is currently in critical condition and being treated at a private medical facility within the factory, but is not expected to survive the wounds. Police spotted a shopping receipt and a trail of blueberry juice leading away from the scene, leading to the arrest of the mother of one of the children that accompanied Charlie Bucket on his tour of the factory.
It is unknown how Bucket will proceed with the management of the booming candy corporation; it was expected that the aging Wonka would stay close at hand as an adviser to oversee Bucket's growth in management. There were no contingency plans drafted in case of death, disability, or sudden illness.
The famed internal secrecy of the Wonka factory has broken down, with aides privately concerned that it will take years before Bucket has a mastery of the "chocolate-churning gadgets and gobstopper gizmos" and is able to competently oversee the candy crafting facilities. "I wish he had just gone with Veruca Salt instead during the primary. Then we would at least have someone with more factory experience."