UnNews:Vowels outlawed in Germany

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 March 2007

Hitler famously shipped tens of thousands of vowels to __sw_tch, even though he was from __str__

BERLIN, Germany, Sunday (UNN) — In a startling and controversial move, the German Fuherer Prime minister, Angela Merkel has outlawed Jews Vowels, or as she calls them "th_ sc__rg_ _f th_ G_rm_n l_ng__g_."

Germany has had a tough stance on Vowels for quite some time. Originally deemed as the enemy to the glorious reich! Sieg Heil! a useless appendix to "d_r gl_r___s l_ng_", numerous attempts have been made to discredit the vowel by the Nazis German people. The catch phrase "Arb__t m_cht Fr__" describes the sheer loathing of many Nazis Germans towards these linguistic bugaboos.

Already, there have been several clashes with the Gespato police, as many Nazis Germans found themselves unable to understand the new rules. "I went into work today, said 'Hallo' and was immidietly arrested, ball gagged, and repeatedly anally violated by several nubile young men, which was both painful and strangely arousing." explains a distressed Hans Kramer, 33, still in police custody."I found a bizarre piece of paper in my letter box this morning, but it was just a jumble of consonants".

Some German Vowel users are accusing Merkel's administration of using Vowels as scape goats for the many problems in German society. Abjheet Foreignname, a Turkish immigrant, feels the Prime minister is merely trying to buy time. "Just yesterday, my hair was set on fire. Ok, it was my sort of fault for trying to hide my cigarette there, but the point still stands that I, a Turkish immigrant, had my hair set on fire in Germany!"

Other countries have already begun to draft legislation to mirror the actions of Germany. Vichy France is already considering outlawing Vowels in phases, starting with the letter "é". The UK, meanwhile, has begun action to ban all letters because Tony Blair believes it would be a good way of showing solidarity with his European neighbours. These actions have left many EU citizens in stunned silence, especially British people.

Naturally, there are some teething issues with the outlawing of Vowels. Ambiguity persists over the letter "y", and people with names such as "Ana Friede" and "Ono Freud" feel unfairly legislated against. Moreover, phonetic sounds are causing tensions as many residents of Germany are unsure just how to pronounce the guttural consonant clusters. I interviewed one activist, a member of "Vowels fur frei". "This is a decline into f_ch_sm; if I can't say "I", then how can I say? If you see what I mean."

Already, tens of thousands of German refugees are escaping over the b_rd_r, with over nine thousand more expected to follow.

Sources

• Adolf Hitler "Ich bin nicht gut! Achtung! Schnell!" Vowels weekly, March 11, 2007