UnNews:Update:US Marines did not blow on Japan nuclear reactor

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 March 2011

Clinton regrets her very understandable mistake.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has clarified her earlier statement suggesting that tens of thousands of United States Marines had been deployed to "blow really hard" on a Japanese nuclear plant affected by a massive earthquake on Friday.

"It didn't happen," explained Clinton. "I thought it would be really cool if it did, so I said it happened. I regret my error."

In a hurried press conference this morning, Clinton had explained that 45,000 United States Marines had been airlifted to the Fukushima nuclear plant. "We've got these really important Marines who the Japanese really need really bad," Clinton had said, "And they're going to put out the reactor fire by blowing really really hard, like when you have to blow out the candles on a cake or something."

Clinton's declaration had raised some eyebrows among nuclear physicists.

"Can you avert a meltdown by having a bunch of guys blow on a reactor core? No, no, I don't think you could," explained Dr. Dennis Schnitzer, a renowned nuclear physicist. "I mean, maybe if... well, no, not then, either. Yeah, I don't see how - oh, wait! Maybe.... no. Nope, that wouldn't work either. No, I'm going to have to go with 'no.'"

The Japanese should have paid more attention to Hokusai's paintings.

Clinton has since revised her statement, explaining that the Marines had actually been deployed to "provide moral support" and "generally get in the way."

Sources

• "U.S. totally impotent to stop catastrophic meltdown" Reuters, Mar. 11, 2011