UnNews:Unprecedented Breakthrough at CERN

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 March 2010

The secluded state-of-the-art particle accelerator at CERN

GENEVA, Switzerland -- Yesterday, at CERN (La Chambre des Experiments du Relative Notoriete - The Chamber of Relatively Famous Experiments), somewhere in the Alps, two beams of dung particles have been driven at ridiculous speeds and smashed into each other, only to produce a frozen shower of crap.

Estimated at €10 billion, it's one of the most expensive poop experiments ever made worldwide. The physicists are apparently trying to reproduce the brown eye of god, an anulus through which they have calculated that all the stinky universe we live in came out in a large burst at some point of divine indigestion.

So far, the fabulous installation has produced only a fire, huge expenses, some truly amazing debris and a lot of concern among the faint-hearted, which suggests that the denomination acronym of the prestigious organization is a pun on its original intent, which is to strike worries into the gullible. Such people fear that the collisions might produce tiny bungholes that will suck them inside, but scientists dismiss that theory, since there are no reports up to the present day of swimmers being sucked into the considerably larger whale orifices that have been around us for millennia.

Sources

• "Large Hadron Collider" Wikipedia, March 31, 2010

• Frank Jordans "Geneva atom smasher sets collision record" Associated Press, March 30, 2010