UnNews:Underage kid sees dirty word; suffers but makes it
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
6 May 2013
NOWIN, Minnesota -- Catastrophe hit Nowin, Minnesota earlier this week when Adam, the 15-year-old son of John and Marion Johnson saw the word cocksucker scribbled on a storehouse wall downtown. Adam immediately ran home with the news, screaming: "Mother! I saw a dirty word! Get me a shrink or I'll be scarred for life!!" Marion tells us she was devastated. She couldn't believe that such a thing can happen at this time and age. "I mean, seriously. Even when heads are bashed in on our TV and blood squirts every which way, nobody uses language like that! No wonder Adam was horrified! I was pretty badly shaken myself when he finally collected himself enough to tell me what the word had been."
Like any good parents would, the Johnsons immediately hired the best psychotherapist they could locate. "It cost us a pretty penny, but we had to do it! Our neighbour's daughter, Eve, saw the word cuntfucker in a second hand biology book and she immediately developed suicidal tendencies. Her parents could barely save her: she saw the word when she was a couple of months under eighteen, so this was really bad luck for them. But they did save her, thank God. She turned eighteen just in time before the allocated shrink money ran out!"
Adam has by now cooled down enough to give us a full account of his horrible experience: "I was out playing with Dick and a couple of others. We decided to go to the empty lot behind the warehouses to pick some apples in the abandoned orchard. It was warm already, so we had to watch out for snakes - we had to tread carefully. That's why I got close enough to the --- the --- word --- to read it before my conditioned reflex kicked in - I actually had time to read the whole --- word --- before my eyes snapped shut. Dick also got it pretty bad - maybe even worse than I did. I heard him scream shortly and then fall silent... God, now I hope they hadn't taught us to read at all!"
The way this reporter sees the whole situation is: society has once again failed to fulfill its most important function, which is to shield its most vulnerable members from filth. As to Adam's wish that he would be better off as an illiterate: we wholeheartedly agree. Curse this leftist government and its utopistic ideas!