UnNews:UK Government update economic status
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 March 2011
LONDON, UK -- Back in November, the Con/Dem Governmental Alliance announced that their planned spending cuts were "substantial but necessary". After months of study the government's economists (having spent considerable time pouring through the plans which had previously only having had a cursory glance over a glass of Shiraz), have now upgraded the cuts to "ambitious and necessary". Opposition leaders were hoping to see the words "fucked up bag of shite" or "monumental cock up" in the announcement and are reported to be slightly disappointed.
Smarmy bastard Chancellor George Osborne, in his £120-a-head address to some of the leading lights of the banking world promised that these measures shouldn't hit our most needy and beneficial institutes, much to the relief of those attending. Royal Bank of Scotland boss, Stephen Hester, stated that he was "delighted that the hardship felt by some would enable those of us more deserving to maintain our lifestyles."
Barclays boss "Diamond" Bob Diamond, shortly before jetting off to his Caribbean hideaway, agreed with the Chancellor's comments that only by maintaining "excessive and extravagant bank bonuses can the economy recover". He also took the time to highlight his support of government initiatives such as asking senior investment bankers what level of tax they would like to pay, before ducking into the back of his stylish new Bentley.
On the street we asked a work-shy slob, who would only give his name as Wayne, for his opinion on the announcement. "Taxpayers continue to suffer during tough economic times knowing that their sacrifice will enable the top bankers to celebrate their ludicrous bonuses. I think it is something that we can be very proud of, my Nana says it reminds her of how everyone pulled together during the Blitz, obviously once members of the Royal Family and the money people had moved to their country houses for safety."