UnNews:Tonight's VA Tech party to be "The best since the thing"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 May 2007
BLACKBURG, Virginia - When Virgina Tech student and LXA president Todd Wallace noticed that the party scene at his school was really dying down lately, he couldn't bear it. Being the fine outstanding young man he is, he decided to use his skills and gifts to rejuvenate the long-standing party attitude that, until recently, his school was most marked for. "Whenever Todd's at a party, man, that party just kills. I mean, you know, not like that." Said a student who wished to remain anonymous. "Whoo!" He added. With his "mad skills" and "party IQ", it comes as no surprise, then, that Todd is throwing a "little shindig" tonight that he described as "the bitchinest throwdown, since, you know, the thing.". "Whenever you type "Virginia Tech" on google, man, all you're going to get is pictures of this fruggin drunkfest. And possibly more news about the stuff." He brags goodnaturedly.
Judging from past parties, such as the infamous "Thursday Night wreck-a-crunch" and "The post-pre final final night of drinking before the last night of getting trashed before finals", in order to improve, Todd has his work cut out for him. Luckily, he has the motivation and gusto to do it. "We haven't drank since, like, the thing." He says. "Like, woe is me if I don't get to pet the old hairy dog on Friday morning. Plus, I'm sad about stuff, and there's only one way to get rid of that problem, and that's to get a bunch of people around to talk about it with. And drink. And try to have sex with the hot ones."
This party, tentatively titled "Todd's Smasher" is scheduled for "around 9:30ish, or whenever we can get The Weeze to go get us the brew." is expected to include such innovative diversions as "Todd's crazy ocean beer pong" and "the case race", is also rumored to be filled with students and young, unemployed dropouts with whom students can comiserate about the thing. "Also, dude. Mourning chicks." Todd adds with a wink, showcasing his boyish charms.
Notably absent from the party will be Todd's Fraternity brother Jason Pearlman, who was you-knowed during the thing. "Jason was a solid dude. We're all going to miss him around here. But, I know he wouldn't want us to be sad for him. He's fuckin angels now, man. Angels."