UnNews:This week's horoscopes

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 February 2014

• Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) – Most girls, on finding out that their ex still masturbates over them, would be flattered. But not her. No, she threatens to call the police, tells you to get out of her house and calls you a sick fuck.

• Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) – You live by the mantra, "Don't shit where you eat". Now is the time to demand more of yourself, and try and shit more often specifically in the toilet.

• Aries (March 20 - April 19) – Disappointment with the job interview on Monday, as you manage only to say "waffles" repeatedly. It's all good practice, and anyway, that technique might work at the Waffle House.

• Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - On Wednesday, a friend tells you to take a box of tissues when you go to see 12 Years A Slave. Weird, cos in the end, you don't need to wank once.

• Gemini (May 20 - June 21) – I know you're nervous about talking to the doctor. Throw everyone in the waiting room off the scent by announcing clearly to the receptionist: "I have an appointment. It's not for syphilis."

• Cancer (June 22 - July 22) – On Friday you realise that "living statue" in your local park is just a tramp who's frozen to death.

• Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) – What's in a name? A lot, as your father found out. While chewing gum became a worldwide success, his invention, Mastication Paste, confused and appalled customers.

• Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) – Disturbing memories from your childhood mean that either Woody Allen sexually abused you, or Mia Farrow brainwashed you into thinking he did.

• Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) – A whole day of home improvement is wasted when you realise that the house you're painting is not yours.

• Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) – The recent Chinese New Year makes you reflect on things, like where your dog has been for the last week.

• Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) – So you work hard staying late in the office for months and no one seems to notice you, but the minute you go on YouPorn for some stress relief it's all "internet history this" and "did you think of the poor cleaners?" that.

• Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) – My telescope's broken, but I see a full moon and a fire sign - so lay off the Mexican food this week.