UnNews:Theft finally outlawed in Detroit--burglars left without jobs
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Tuesday, January 30, 2024
Detroit, Michigan -- The mayor of Detroit, Mike Duggan, has finally passed the law to outlaw theft in Detroit. Following from now, theft, based on the severity level, will be faced with a prison sentence and fine, assuming Detroit's finest can apprehend them in the first place. This new law hasn't gone without outrage, as burglars around the city riot outside of the city hall.
"I just want to sell some strikers," one thief said. "Facebook Marketplace is my only paycheck."
One is attempting to assassinate the mayor, and our interview with him is below.
Q: What is the motive?
A: Well, Detroit is the theft city. We need to steal. It's in our bloodstream. My income solely comes from stolen goods, such as electronics, food, hell, I even stole a whole damn house once. Had to throw the resident out the window. Not a pretty sight.
Q: Will you be perhaps killing yourself after this?
A: Oh, no. I, Mark H. Lamar, won't be caught. I have it all planned out, and I'll be living my best life after this.
Q: What would you do if you missed?
A: I would kill myself.
Q: He has already driven by. What will you be doing now?
Before he could answer, his brains were all over the recording device, so we couldn't record our screams. It wasn't cool.