UnNews:The bonfire of Nagasaki
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 August 2013
It's been nearly seventy years since the Nagasaki bonfire delighted citizens in the small little village of Nagasaki. Old people remember the joy of skipping around the bonfire while singing English songs. Some of the survivors show pictures of their relatives who sported fashionable sun tans for the remainder of their lives. One lucky boy had some Marshmallows they bought in the local British food store and smiled as the entire marshmallow melted along with his fingers.
The Americans who dropped the giant match which set off the bonfire waved to the happy villages of the tiny little hamlet and they said thank you by spraying the sky with anti-aircraft fireworks. People in the surrounding cities were jealous of Nagasak's preferential treatment by the US military that they begged America to drop another match ... but it was too late ... so many countries protested the use of giant matches in a confusing movement to deprive ordinary people of celebratory bonfires.
People in the countryside near Nagasaki remember the joy of seeing their children born with three hands and eyes that weren't crooked. "My son looked very American like as the magic properties of the bonfire changed his skin to a translucent white while he was inside my womb. He had no squinty eyes. Of course...he is infertile...but looking like an American is such a great opportunity that we could hardly complain about such a gift".
The people of Nagasaki are considering holding a special event on the 100th anniversary of the great village Bonfire and are coordinating with America to drop another giant match. China has offered to drop a match so large that people in South Korea would feel the embracing warmth of the bonfire.
Some residents have moved away from Nagasaki or stopped building their new houses due to prejudice against bon-fires. "We don't need them anyways" said a proud local Jap. "Only the unpatriotic would be against the celebration of our proud history. Sure...the bonfire is inconvenient and it would be difficult to sleep or read a book when it happens...but the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few". Quite right. Famous singers will perform a concert today in the village square and big names are lining up for the 100th anniversary. It is suspected that Sting, Elton John and Madonna will still be performing on stage with their canes in one hand and a flaming torch in the other. "Who wouldn't want to perform at the centenial of our greatest moment"? Asked the mayor. The mayor noted that he and his family have already made plans on that day even though it will be 30 years from now and unfortunately will be unable to attend. "Though we do so sadly...but our plans are quite important" says the mayor.
In the mean time Nagasakians will line the streets and share stories of their joy of flying in the air and roasting near the bonfire and creating silhouettes on the sidewalks.