UnNews:The Times bans top internet site

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 December 2007

Good journalists are becoming bored with crap stories in everyday newspapers.

London, UK – A leaked rumour from the British daily national newspaper The Times claims that Times Newspapers Ltd have banned the Uncyclopedia website from all company computers. This hefty and unpopular decision has come after calls to ban social networking sites which has caused uproar across the globe and has thrown fuel to the fire.

The firm has blocked workers' access to the site, or disciplined staff for misuse of the internet. However, union organisations say it is unreasonable to try to stop staff from having a good laugh at work and suggests setting guidelines instead. A damning report also claims that residents in the United Kingdom will no longer be born with the humour gene (which is related to the ‘humor’ gene in the US) unless a nationwide ban is lifted.

James Harding, editor for the Times newspaper told UnNews that “Good journalists are hard to come by these days and the last thing we need is to lose our talented workers to UnNews. It’s not that we don’t like the fantastic witty humour, it’s just that our employees would rather work for you lot and we just can’t allow that. I'd say that at least half of your articles have been written by our guys and to make matters worse, we've been paying them while they've been doing it! It's all because you lot make journalism fun. In fact, have you got any positions going?!”

Jane Murchison, a trainee Fleet Street journalist said: “First they ban Facebook (so I switched to Bebo and they banned that too!) and now they’re banning Uncyclopedia! I wake up in the morning and wonder if there’s any point in going to work. In fact, the only reason I ever turn up to the office is in hope that I can prove myself as a quality journalist and hopefully get the attention of UnNews. Working for the UnNews team would be my ultimate career goal. Quite often I pull a sicky and write some stuff for the site just to keep me sane. I love it!”

An UnNews reporter who only joined our team on Monday and wishes to remain anonymous also said: “For the last 12 years I’ve been writing these pissy reports for the Daily Telegraph. Last week there I was writing about a boring politician who wanted to have another public enquiry about something boring, and this week I’m writing about a guy who got locked in a toilet for four days for UnNews! It’s changed my life for the better! I’m so happy I even got the wife to climax last night!”

The Times then concluded the interview and said the move was an effort to reduce time-wasting, but I don’t agree and don't miss that place at all!

Sources

• "Council bans social network site" BBC, August 28, 2007