UnNews:The Guy Who Invented Belts Reincarnated as Hacker
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 February 2014
Boston, LOUISIANA - Rising from the dead is a trick that Sydney Blondething learned in grade school, and when he was the former 16th Century artisan Theodore J. Fulbright, and invented belts, he barely ever thought about hacking much less computers.
Now here he is, one of the world's foremost hackers, about to retire and looking forward to his next life. Mr. Blondething sat down Tuesday with CNN reporter Anderson Cooper to talk of his secret lives and belts.
"When did you realize that belts were needed, and that you wanted to be a hacker," Cooper asked, letting the tape recorder run while he went off to take a leak and fix himself a sandwich.
"In 1507, just outside of Lietzberg, I saw my father's pants fall down," said Fulbright, "and even while I figured out that a tight cord would hold his pants up next time, I joined in the laughter. Then, realizing that restrictive internet controls were being jerry-rigged by dumber people than myself," said Blondething, "In 2008 I dove into the world of code with a vengeance that would make your head start tapping and your feet spin."
The invention of belts marked the beginning of an era of prosperity and riches in Europe, as men had something to hold onto to haul their pants up when they got too fat, and women had something to wrap their fingers around when they wanted to play the floozy to the delight of their beau's and shock of mater and pater. Cracking the computers which held the internet together was no small achievement either, and by the time anyone caught on that the entire contents of the internet had been freely distributed to everyone in China, Saudi Arabia, Africa, and America, driving those countries leaders into a frenzy with the running in circles and the sounds of whooping cranes in heat needing that extra push, Blondething was sitting in a corner, looking up in the air, twirling his thumbs and whistling like he had nothing to do with it and even those who hadn't seen it coming saw it going.
"The loops were the key to the whole operation," Fulbright and Blondething recalled, "I had this long piece of leather with holes in it and attached a few pieces of ultra-thin nanometal and a 7ze capability mother board mounted on a new quantum flux graphene unstable wormhole-connector, but had nowhere to hang them. So it was loops sewed around the waistband and a push on the right electrical circuit or cry trying. Giving the poor of Kenya a way to hold their sheets on and contact their loved ones and business associates while far away, thus using Uncle Sam's dime and Mother Nature's law of gravity without either of them catching on, seemed like the things to do."
Blondething won the 2014 Nobel Prize in Sheer Audacity for his loop-theory of universal planetary communicational, and celebrated by handing out hacker-proof computerized belt buckles to the judges.