UnNews:Teen Skanks Herped Out

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 August 2006

All the hot chicks are now totally diseased.

NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK(Hooters Health) - A new study shows teen skanks are loaded with herp even if they ain't got no sores. Holy shit, dude!

"None of the skanks in the study had mouth or pussy scabs, yet some of those who tested positive for the virus were crawling with it in their pussy area, meaning they give it to you," said Dr. Kenneth H. Ferfuffle of the Inidana University School of Medicine in Inidana colleagues report.

"We figured we'd find these hot young horny skanks humming with this shit," Ferfuffle told Hooters Health in an interview. "They are total whores."

A national survey of the US population conducted between 1988 and 1994 found that more than one in five people over 12 had blood tests that showed evidence for infection with herpes simplex virus 2 (HSV 2), the virus typically responsible for huge, red pustulent sores on your twat or dickhole. That's 30 percent more than they found 1976-1980. There is also evidence that genital infections with HSV 1, which normally causes cold sores around the mouth, are on the rise.

To examine the incidence and prevalence of both strains of the virus among adolescent women, Firfuffle and his team dug around with lights and spatulas in the hot, moist crotches young women, who were followed closely to determine if they would go out with them. Blood and PJ specimens were obtained every three months from 100 women aged 14 to 104.

They found that 59.6 percent of the little whores tested positive for HSV 1, while 13.5 percent carried HSV 2. During the follow-up period, from 1999 to 2004, four of the study participants contracted new HSV 1 infections, while seven acquired HSV 2, probably from hoovering some guy's love pole.

Among the women who developed new HSV 2 infections, none had symptoms of genital herpes, but three were shedding the virus in their cute little cooters. So you might as well just go for it, dude, since you'll probably get it anyway. It's not like it'll kill you or anything.