UnNews:Taliban 214, NATO 244 in ongoing Battlefield:Afganistan promotional match

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 June 2008

Kabul, Afganistan, Electronic Arts, or EA, has announced a promotional match for its upcoming new Battlefield:Bad Company Xbox release. The EA spokesmen told our reporter this- "We figured, hey, why not get the rights to Battlefield: Afganistan [a bestselling battlefield with 154,000 current players] and have a real life, promotional battle." The two sides, NATO and the Taliban insurgency, agreed to the promotional battle on two terms

1) Every rule in the Battlefield series must be observed[edit | edit source]

2) No spawncamping on uncapturable bases, namely the American forward base[edit | edit source]

Currently the match is in full swing. Both teams started at 250 "tickets" or lives, and are deducted 1 ticket for each life lost. The match will end when one team has no more tickets left. The map being played is in Kanahar region of Afganistan, with NATO troops in a uncapturable base and Taliban Troops trying to defend their flags. Afgan troops under NATO command attacked several flags in villages belonging to Taliban forces. In Tabin village, the NATO troops ran forward supported by a ferocious artillery barrage, throwing grenades wildly, with reports that more than 20 Taliban were killed. NATO troops quickly captured the village's flag, earning two points for neutralization and two points for capture. Soon the NATO bravo squad attacked Khohak village, using massive amounts of grenades and using the support class to refill. Soon, Taliban forces were complaining: "OMA [Oh my Allah] the Americans use only grenades, artillery, and air support to kill us. They were also spawncamping in Tabin." However, EA confirmed that NATO was still playing by legit battlefield rules. Meanwhile, the Americans were upset about some of the Taliban's tactics. "They lay and ton of mines and destroy all the bridges with C-4 and we really don't have enough of the Engineers to rebuild bridges and take away mines."


The assault is going well for the NATO forces, with only six deaths. Four NATO troops were killed when a Taliban soldier dashed up to an ACP and laid C-4 and blew it up. Two other deaths came when one soldier lagged behind his comrades and was shot. A Taliban sniper claimed the last one with an SVD headshot. According to a NATO soldier on the front "The map is really weighted towards the Taliban. However we are winning because of superior tactics and most of the Taliban don't have weapon unlocks yet because they didn't get the free demo for preordering."

Meanwhile, EA is reaping the benefits back at home, and watching the promotional match with great interest. The match showcases the new entirely destroyable environment in the Bad Company game, along with new Helicopter classes. The battle has been written about in many U.S. newspapers who are cheering for the NATO side. Al-Jazeera offered a brief segment on the battle, showing the Taliban being spawncamped and constantly being bombed by NATO aircraft, gathering sympathy for them in the Islamic world. It looks like EA's marketing scheme has become a wild success.

Sources[edit | edit source]