UnNews:Surf City Europe

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 June 2013

Croatia.

Germany.

Czeczh... no, you spell it. It's Sudetenland as far as I'm concerned.

Due to the extraordinarily normal rainfall in central Europe this May, the residents of many cities have had the benefits of an outdoors water park right on the streets - admission free! While the speed and volume of water in these climatically enhanced natural streams might seem a bit excessive for the queasier surfers, generally this is seen as a blast.

There are other benefits as well. We interviewed the mayor of Cologne, Gen. Eric Kraut, whom we spotted rowing around the tip of the Great Cathedral tower. "This makes inspecting and cleaning the tower far easier. See that pile of batshit floating further down the stream? I didn't have to do fuck to get it out! Water is an amazing thing."

When I asked Gen. Kraut whether it is not worrying that many people have lost their lives in this unplanned amusement park, he made me soil my pants with a warning shot from his wartime Luger Parabellum. "I don't give a scheiss for what you hippie communist gays think. Those people were totally planning to die soon in any case. Also, now they at least died for free. You have no idea how many people visit water parks every year, pay for admission, and die then. Fuck off back to Neverland to spread your gay propaganda. This is normal, everything was totally planned, and scheiss is cool despite a few casualties."

The residents of Lappland are not very pleased, however. JokkMokk Poronpanija (that's Bickdick Reindeerfucker for those who want to keep track of every useless detail) of Sevettijärvi, Finland, is not happy to have a heat wave beating on his village: "I want to go to the water park!"