UnNews:Stanford scientists design their first virtual orgasm
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 August 2012
Stanford, USA -- We all like to orgasm, we all love orgasms, we absolutely require an orgasm, orgasms are free! Every other pleasure in life costs something. Nature wasn't stupid. Some people like to "relieve" on a daily basis and some are hourly like Bill Clinton. "I did not just come again within the hour". Have I promoted orgasms enough?
For people with no interest in universities - listen up. There is a very famous university called (it's in the headline) "Stan-ford" (I'm being a condescending lecturer of course). This name doesn't mean Stan Laurel in a Model T, it means Stanford - a place of learning. Sometimes these places just discover something quite useful to humanity; recently it was the Virtual Orgasm (0V for short - invented by Japanese who say stuff the other way). I went there to investigate as I like to do my job properly.
Professor Isoa Honda (I also thought: "are you?") has created a program which induces an orgasm in the user - I had to have a go. The way the program works is through light-emissions: directly to the retina and down to the loins. It will work exactly the same for females but "loins" with a C. Professor Honda initiated the program and by-Fuji!, immediate relief without touching a single part of my journalism. I asked the Professor why it only lasted two seconds? "We try now to fix this problem we call: 'premature programming', we want user have good fun long time".
After I had gone to the laundry in Stanford's Faculty of Sciences, I returned to question Honda further. I started by asking whether this would really catch-on if they didn't manage to fix the bug? "We know you westerners, you think more than us... You take time have fun before orgasm... Japanese like orgasm and go out to sushi bar quick". I wasn't sure what to make of his statement, to think of all those gorgeous Japanese girls "going without" on the foreplay front - made my thoughts race towards the nearest travel agency.
I had to get a second opinion of the program and asked a female volunteer to step up to the computer.
Through the door came the most beautiful girl (of oriental descent) I had ever seen. Her name was Iono Honda (I also thought: "do you?") it was the Professor's wife! This was going to be weird. The weirdness soon dissipated when the Professor leaned in quietly and sad sadly: "My programme not work on woman yet". Ha! All this time, men have struggled to get the right microscopic button working (you know? wife says "no not there") on the female genitalia and even a powerful computer programme can't get it right either!
Mrs. Honda demonstrated the failure by looking like a Japanese woman watching the Super Bowl. Nada, no reaction. I (while bowing with respect) asked the Professor if HE can make her orgasm naturally? "Yes of course but this is my wife, I have a girlfriend as I'm Japanese and a man." Mrs. Honda went home with me that evening - I got it to work too.
So readers, if you are a man, you can enjoy a virtual orgasm but the downside is that it lasts only 2 seconds before rockets fire. Until they work out this glitch, I advise you to do it naturally and to get at least the full four seconds you are accustomed to. As for girls: our attempts are at least better than nothing at all....
This is an extremely satisfied reporter for UnNews.