UnNews:Shy Cow Disease outbreak feared.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 June 2008

Chloride, AZ -- Department of Game and Fish Officials warn public for an outbreak of Shy Cow Disease as range beef cattle show symptoms.

Officer Don Jacobs outlined the D.G.F. assessment data in his June 14th. presentation at the Chloride City Hall. "Folks, what were looking at here could only be the tip of the iceberg as far as an outbreak is concerned. As of yet, no beef cattle have tested 100% positive for the disease. It is however, our duty to report to the general public any trends or changes in cattle hehavior and to ask the public for their help in reporting any cases which they might find. Two Field Officers have undergone a refresher course on beef cattle toxicology, beef cattle behavior management, and beef cattle capture and detainment techniques. We are looking to get a jump on things in the event a full blown outbreak of Shy Cow Disease does occur."

Jacobs fielded questions from the packed meeting (due in part to the announcement, the relative small population of Chloride, and the City Hall's weekly bingo night). "Are my children in danger of contracting the illness?" asked Katy Powers, 40. "Children are more likely to give Shy Disease to beef cattle than the other way around.". "What will this do to the price on the market for beef?" asked Rick Grounds, cattle rancher. "First and foremost, any effect on the price of beef could only occur if only large numbers of beef cattle were involved, and I cannot speculate on that as we don't even have an outbreak yet anyways.". "What do we look for in our own beef cattle? How can we tell if our own cattle have this?". "That is a terrific question, and that brings me to our handouts and our brief slide show presentation. Let us take a few minutes break to set up the projector, in the meantime ya'll can visit the restrooms and there is cookies and punch in the lobby for everyone."

Slide show

After a brief intermission and everyone settled down, Officer Jacobs began his slide show presention. UnNews would like to thank Officer Jacobs for giving us copies of his slide show.

Slide show continues

Conclusion

"In conclusion I'd like to say that the Mohave County, Arizona chapter of the Department of Game and Fish are completely prepared for any emergencies called in by the general public of beef cattle with Shy Cow Disease, and are able to implement a swift and thorough response. I'd like to thank you for your time and don't hesitate to contact us if need be. We do not, I repeat, do NOT want Shy Cow Disease to pick up nor spread. We will keep the public posted on events as they unfold."

Sources

• Food and Drug Administration "Cow Diseases: Black Plague of 2008?" FDA, June 16, 2008