UnNews:Serial Reviver on the Loose
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 January 2007
Ipswich, England - At first believed to be a serial rapist and killer, a man was actually found to be restoring virginity and reviving dead people. Five women have been found over the last couple of days and although their clothes suggested prostitution, they are in fact nuns; or at least since they were restored and revived. The man has not yet been found but Detective Chief Inspector Rimes said "We are closing in on this sick, twisted person. I have never seen anything so awful in my three weeks on the force." It is thought that the mysterious man is still in the area.
A local person who was being nosy at the time said "I want to get this man and cut off his balls." She did look like the extreme type. Ipswich is notorious for high crime and murder sprees as well as thieves so this is a shock to all of the local people; even people from all over England.
The revivals have not been related to any of the large gangs in Ipswich or the CCC (English version of the KKK). I spoke to a gang member just after he shot a rival and he said he thought the revivals were "unethical" and "inhumane." The victims of the awful crime were unwilling to speak because they were traumatised from the horrible ordeal. The women were found floating down a river in baskets. Moses and Jesus are being questionned to see if they had anything to do with this crime. Jesus is the main suspect because of his ability to revive himself and other people. In a statement from Jesus he said "Believe in God, not the Cola industry." I think this relates to the owner of Coca-Cola being the Devil but as always Jesus did have an aliby. The police force here are waiting for somebody to come forward to speak against Jesus; unfortunately Judas has not been seen since an incident in Las Vegas. An eye witness of one of the crimes needs to come forward so the police will at least have a lead. Without anyone to tell them what to do, the police force is clueless.